Donald J. Trump Presents “Tanks for the Memories”
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 189
July 4, 2019 (Formerly known as “Independence Day”)
President Donald Trump this week will realize a years-long dream by having a heavy military presence, including tanks, on the National Mall, and a fly-over by military planes, including Air Force One, at a celebration in which he will be the center of attention. The President got the idea after attending a Bastille Day Celebration in France in 2017 — and deciding he, too, would have a massive military parade. His cabinet immediately got into the planning as well, with John Bolton putting out feelers for available guillotines for the celebration.
The event, which D.C. officials oppose, is expected to cost taxpayers millions of dollars, though the White House won’t disclose exact figures. The White House says the cost is insignificant and is worth it as the celebration will bring all Americans together.
In the front rows will be high-dollar Republican donors and cabinet members. Behind them will be Republican elected officials, then attendees who purchase a #MAGA hat will be in what Trump is calling “The Beautiful Patriots” section.
There will also be a special seating area for the Trump family, as the 4th of July has always been a special day for them, Eric in particular.
The White House insists Democrats are welcome to attend, and in fact, they reserved seating for Democrats on the tracks behind Union Station for the festivities. Even immigrants have been invited at the request of Acting Director of Citizenship and Immigration Service, Ken Cuccinelli, Acting Homeland Security Secretary, Kevin McAleenan, Acting Customs and Border Protection Director John Sanders, Acting Homeland Security Secretary, Kevin McAleenan, who has since resigned and been replaced by the aforementioned Acting Customs and Border Protection Director John Sanders. Immigrants who wish to celebrate the 4th of July will be held in a pen in the old RFK stadium. White House staffers inform us there will be plenty of chemical toilets on hand so the immigrants will have something to drink.
Government officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, say Trump alone created the plan for the celebration and even stayed up past his bedtime working on precise details.
We are very fortunate to have been leaked a copy of Trump’s prepared remarks for the 4th of July Celebration and will close this week’s issue with the words of the 45th president himself.
The White House
Office of the Press Secretary, Stephanie Huckabee Grisham
EMBARGOED Until 8:20pm, Thursday, July 4, 2019
Thank you. Thank you. I want to welcome the hundreds of thousands of our beautiful patriots who have gathered here today. They say this is the 2nd biggest crowd ever in Washington, behind my inauguration. But the fake media won’t tell you that. But I am not going to talk about those horrible people tonight. Very bad. Bad people.
I also want to thank Ted Nugent for performing for us tonight. Terrific job, Ted. They love you. Not as much as they love me, but close. Well not that close, but, you know. I also want to thank James Woods, Scott Baio, Roseanne, and Jon Voight for that beautiful reading of the Declaration of Independence. You made it very beautiful. I mean, to be honest, it’s kind of long, and a little boring, but you did a terrific job with that. Thank you.
I also want to thank my cabinet and my administration for helping make today’s event so great. I want to thank Acting National Park Service Director, Dan Smith, Acting Defense Secretary Mark…Mark…Mark something, the guy who replaced Zinke at the Department of the Interior, and my acting Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney.
Happy 4th of July, or Independence Day, as I like to call it. Very special day in our country. For 200 and something years we have been celebrating on this day, but they tell me this is the first time a president has participated. People can’t believe it. I get letters all the time saying “thank you, sir…for loving our country so much.” Even senators, and not just the Republicans. Lots of Democrat senators have privately said to me that this is a very beautiful thing I am doing. Now they won’t say it publicly because they don’t want to admit Trump was right, but many of them approached me. That I can tell you.
When the founding fathers, Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and the others, gathered here to sign the Declaration of Independence, not everybody was happy with them either. But they did a pretty terrific job. They probably weren’t dealing with as many obstructionist Democrat politicians as I am. I mean, can you just imagine if crazy Nancy or cryin’ Chuck were here then, in 1812? They wouldn’t have gotten it passed. “Mr. Jefferson, sir…I think we need to do more to protect the Indians, and give them unisex teepees.” I mean, it would have been bad. Very bad. Horrible.
The founding fathers knew all the way back then what the Democrat Party still doesn’t know today. Without a border, you don’t have a country. And without a wall, you don’t have a border. (At this time, Mulvaney, Kevin McCarthy, and Jim Jordan will lead the crowd in a chant of “Build the Wall.”)
No one knows this better than the men of the armed forces: the Army, the Air Force, the Marines, and the Army. That’s why I included many of our beautiful veterans in today’s event. I want to especially bring one of them up here. Are you here, Eddie? Where’s Eddie. Come on up Eddie..say a few words.
Eddie Gallagher, ladies and gentlemen. A very special hero. Special. Tough man. Eddie has been in the news lately, probably not the fake news like CNN and MSNBC and the failing NY Times. The lying media accused him of shooting an elderly man and a school girl in Iraq, and get this — they wanted him charged for stabbing a wounded ISIS prisoner in the neck and posing with his corpse. Charge him for that? I want to give him a medal. I might. That’s a good idea. What do you think, Eddie? Do you want a Medal of Honor? He says, yes. Of course he does. Special guy. I have a Purple Heart. Many people don’t know that. And by the time I am done in 8 years…or 12, maybe, who knows, but probably 12. Maybe Ivanka will award me the Medal Of Freedom.
Where is Ivanka, is she here? Very beautiful girl. Doing a terrific job. She was the talk of the G20. People couldn’t believe how great she was. And not just at the G20. She has created tens of millions of jobs for women and the blacks right here in America. We don’t get the credit for it. We should. But it’s okay. High IQ people know what’s really going on and how great our country has become.
So, tonight’s celebration isn’t just about Independence Day. We are celebrating that America is great again. We are respected around the world, finally. We aren’t getting pushed around by countries because of the horrible trade deals some very stupid people signed. Stupid deals. We have a very special relationship with North Korea now. When I took office, they said Korea was the biggest problem we face. But Kim didn’t like Obama. Obama. Sad. He didn’t like him, so he refused to meet with Obama. Obama begged for a meeting. Kim said no. Then when I became president, Kim wanted to talk. And we talked and we fell in love. Which is a beautiful thing for Korea. And for the United States, and the whole world, really, when you think about it.
And military. We have terrific military now. Nobody knows military like I do, believe me. And since I became president, we have the strongest military in the world. You can see some of it here today, some of our many beautiful tanks. But I use them smart. Very smart. I don’t want endless wars. I say to people “I don’t want endless wars,” and they say, “Sir, it can’t be done.” But we are doing it. So our beautiful tanks aren’t war machines. They are machines of freedom. And love.
And tonight we are going to celebrate that love with what my people tell me will be the largest fireworks display in history. Very special. And I make deals — that’s what I do. So I said to the CEOs of the fireworks company — I want you to put on the biggest display you’ve ever put on, and I want it free. And they did it. Terrific people. Other presidents have always had to pay for fireworks. Well, we stopped that. It’s all part of our plan to — say it with me, “Make America Great Again.” Or, as I like to say now “Keep America Great Again.”
Thank you. Thank you very much. And God bless the United States, and well, the whole world, really.
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where we can’t even tell if the above was real or satire.
We leave you with some patriotic “music” for those of you who think lefties don’t love their country.
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