Election Nightmare 2020 — Royally Screwed
This Weak in Politics Vol. 245
November 12, 2020
Before we get started with this abbreviated week in review, let us just say how glad we are to be back.
Our last issue was 17 years ago, on July 30, 2020. We assume nothing has changed since we left, so we’ve turned a beautiful corner and the coronavirus is a distant memory, Joe Biden can’t win the general election unless he chooses Elizabeth Warren as his nominee, though luckily Florida is in the bag. Even if it’s not and a court battle ensues, Justice Roberts will join Ruth Bader Ginsberg and the court’s liberals in doing the right thing. And to top it all off, if the Biden/Warren ticket does win, can you imagine the party we’ll have? We could have Eddie Van Halen do a smokin’ version of the national anthem while Wilford Brimley narrates the beautiful story of how Americans have come together post-election! And to top it off, in his last act as president, Donald Trump will present the Medal of Freedom to Anthony Fauci in a joint session also attended by Senator Jaime Harrison, and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer!
Fuck.
Back to the brutal reality.
The 2020 election is now behind us. Almost. Sort of. And like everything 2020, it is royally screwed up and provided more questions than answers.
The biggest question rising out of the election is this: ummm… what the fuck is happening?
But there are other questions as well. For instance:
- If Trump truly only serves one term as President, does he still get a government pension, or will the Kremlin cut him off?
and
- Is shitstain one word or two?
Another big question is whether our institutions can hold in the face of such madness. There is an outside chance this could become a fraudulent electoral college nightmare where the House and Senate each play a role. We don’t want to overstate it, but…
This is getting depressing. It’s time for us to put the 2020 election to bed.
Note: Some argue that in the photo above Rudy was jostling the family giuls, while Rudy himself argued he was simply “tucking in (his) pants.” Probably in preparation to “hike the Appalachian Trail.”
To us it looks like he is dealing with an irksome itch. Rudy, if you’re reading this, might we recommend Four Seasons Total Manscaping?
We know, we know. The last thing you needed was to have that photo stuck in your head.
Wrong!
The last thing you needed was to have THIS photo stuck in your head.
As a sign of just how much we’ve matured during our time off, note that we resisted the temptation to make an Ivanka joke about the photo above.
We digress.
We are sure by now you have heard that Trump “Lawyer” Rudy Giuliani held a press event/psychotic break at a landscaping business instead of a five star hotel. In Rudy’s defense, he was not alone. Trump’s dumbest child, Eric, also had a bit of a misunderstanding himself.
Eric was instructed to show up at the landscaping company with proof that frauds exist.
As of this writing, the Republican “Party” continues storming courts and landscape parking lots claiming there are people who know people who knew a guy who said he once saw a dead person vote.
Turns out this is actually true — though the corpse wasn’t voting in the presidential election, it was voting in the United States Senate.
Trump has been able to build a diverse coalition around his claims of voter fraud. To date he has convinced the Proud Boys, Lindsey Graham, the KKK, OANN, Sean Hannity, Jon Voight, the entire Republican Party, and James Woods that the media, the voters, elections officials, most of the states, and the entire world, is lying about his clear and convincing win.
The president has made it his mission to spread the truth, as evidenced here by his family’s social media feeds:
And Tiffany Trump, whom the president affectionately calls “the other, not so hot one,” took to social media as well, showing off her new impression of a lamp, which apparently got Matt Gaetz’s blood pumping — if you know what we mean.
As of this writing there is no evidence that Melania or her son Barron “Trump” have weighed in on the “controversy.”
Finally, in other news the Dallas Cowboys ended the Pittsburgh Steelers unbeaten season on Sunday. Steelers fans are arguing they won the game decisively, 24–19. It was determined, however that at one point in the third quarter the Cowboys were in the lead, until out of nowhere the Steelers found a bunch of “mysterious points” well after America’s team had the lead.
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where 72,182,735 just answered the question, “who the hell is dumb enough to fall for the Nigerian scam?”
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