I Can’t Recall
This Weak in Politics, Vol. LXXX
June 15, 2017
Editorial note: With the tragic shooting taking place in Alexandria, VA, the world headquarters of TWITPOL, we thought long and hard about whether to publish this issue. Following the lead of the Congressional baseball players who went ahead with their game, we decided to publish today as well.
Our thoughts and best wishes are with the victims and the families of the victims of this senseless tragedy. We hope each of them has a full and complete recovery. We urge you to support the bipartisan charity baseball game they were preparing for when violence broke out.
We looked back through our archives and found we have never made fun of Steve Scalise. While we breathe a sigh of relief over that, it is our sincere hope his recovery is so complete that we CAN someday make fun of him without any sense of guilt or hesitation. Besides, from the accounts we have heard over the past 24 hours, Rep. Scalise is one tough dude! For that we can all be grateful. And if he is being protected by David Bailey and Crystal Greiner, and advised by Matt Mika and Zachary Barth, we may just stay clear altogether…as that is one incredibly strong, brave and loyal group. Gratitude and sincere and heartfelt best wishes to them all!
We now resume our regularly scheduled TWITPOL.
We’d like to begin by saying, Mr. President, it is such an honor and a blessing to be able to write about you and your awesomeness each and every week.
And while we have your attention, Mr. President, we understand June 14th was your birthday. While we can’t help but notice that fake news and obstructionist critics are saying you have low-energy, we think your physical strength and stamina are extraordinary. You are, indeed, the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency. And again, we are blessed.
But don’t just take our word for it — let’s hear what those who work closest to you day in and day out, your cabinet, have to say about you.
Unfortunately for us, those words of praise from cabinet members are the only words from presidential conversations that will see the light of day. That’s because while the president has not invoked executive privilege, his cabinet members have decided that doesn’t mean he may not want to someday. As such, they will pre-invoke subordinate-to-the-executive privilege. Which means they will only share the fluffy stuff in open session. The rest they will share at various sentencing hearings.
This un-invoked executive privilege came to the fore this week as Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, Ay Yay Yay* testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee. By “testified” we mean “gave a grumpy denial to charges that have not been leveled against him, and refusing to answer any questions, which were actually too fast for him to comprehend anyway.” In his defense, he was nervous.
*We apologize, that should have read Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. We dictated this issue to Siri.
Sessions, who is previously most famous for being a racist and for lying under oath, was incensed by efforts to impugn his reputation. (Okay, okay…in this 48 t0 72-hour period of civility, we shouldn’t have said that. He misled under oath. We regret the incivility).
The most notable aspect of Sessions’s testimony was his use of phrases such as “I don’t recall” or “Not that I recall” which he used 26 times. Though he only reported using it once.
Cynics argue that Sessions’s inability to recall certain details while forgetting others was selective and intentional. This is primarily because Sessions’s inability to recall certain details while forgetting others was selective and intentional. Here are some examples:
Q. Did you ever meet with Kislyak?
A. I can’t recall.
Q. Did you discuss Russia with the President of The United States?
A. I can’t recall.
Q. Do you remember former Obama Attorney General, Eric Holder?
A. Yes. He invoked executive privilege in relation to the fast and furious guns program on June 10, 2012 at 2:37 pm eastern standard time. I remember how smug he looked…with that purplish blue tie — but I knew his smugness wasn’t confidence… as I recall he drank from his water glass 37 times during the hearing, refilling it 14 times, despite filling it 4/5 full each time.
Q. Did President Trump speak with you about your testimony this morning?
A. I can’t recall.
Note: If you are wondering if this is a verbatim transcript, we can’t recall. If you are wondering if it is at least a fair approximation of the actual testimony, that is something we feel we cannot answer in open session. — Editors
Many of the questions being raised by investigators could be answered by simply reporting out conversations that the president has had with subordinates. Something the subordinates to date have been unwilling to do. If only there were some other means of accessing those conversations.
As for those hinted-at recordings of his conversations with Comey, the Secret Service says they have no such recordings or devices, and President Trump has said “I wasn’t hinting at anything,” adding “I’ll make an announcement of that shortly,” and further added “the answer will disappoint you.” Or as Sean Spicer says “the president was very clear.”
Of course the big administration news of the week came just yesterday as it was revealed the president is indeed now under criminal investigation for obstruction of justice. This is a new record of accomplishment, having happened in just 145 days!
Our regular readers may recall this footage of republican staffers celebrating the news from the Comey hearing that the president was not personally under investigation.
Following the announcement this week that that has changed, and the president is now in fact under investigation, the mood has been somewhat…deflated, and revelers thinning in their ranks as this new video shows.
The Trump administration has been doing its level best to not let its policy agenda distract from its scandals. This week saw that trend continue, as labor secretary Alexander something or other rolled out a groundbreaking new concept invented by the Trump administration called “apprenticeship programs.” While the name and the concept are meaningless, they achieved the goal of pleasing the president. This is not just because it could be counted as another accomplishment, (1. Nominated Neal Gorsuch. 2. Not under investigation. 3. Labor Secretary Alexander Something or Other rolled out apprenticeship program. 4. Only under investigation for Obstruction, but not for Collusion!) but it also opens up new “Apprentice” licensing opportunities for Trump’s company that he doesn’t really own…his sons do.
In other Trump administration news, Trump and his communications team, Fox News, hailed the opening of the “first new coal mine of Trump Era.” Trump touts the new plant, which began its permitting process during the first half of the first term of Barack Obama, as tangible evidence that Trump’s presidency is already creating new jobs. In fairness to the president, there have been discernible upticks in job creation in certain sectors of the economy, most notably:
- Coal/Mining
- Obstruction of Justice Defense Attorneys
- Watergate Era Pundits
As for the Democrats — never a party to allow a good opportunity to go to use — they have reignited their own internal civil war. Every election since the 2016 presidential election has seen some version of a Hillary Clinton/Bernie Sanders proxy war. “Hillary Clinton was such a terrible and flawed candidate that she couldn’t even beat Donald Trump,” say supporters of Bernie Sanders, who was beaten by Hillary Clinton. For their part, Clinton supporters say the election loss was not her fault, but was caused by Russian collusion, a biased media, sexism, climate change, the infield fly-rule and Richard Jewell. Sanders supporters counter that Russian meddling had no influence whatsoever on the election or on Americans’ views on Mrs. Clinton. As proof of this, they point to emails hacked into and leaked by Russia.
The latest Democratic proxy war occurred in the Commonwealth of Virginia where a Sanders endorsed candidate was defeated in the gubernatorial primary by a man many have called an establishment candidate. Despite expectations of a tight race decided by the enthusiasm of high turnout for the outsider candidate, the establishment candidate won soundly, in a high-turnout, issue based race — proving that Democrats can win and create huge turnout. Without relying on BS.
As for the republicans in Virginia, they also had their gubernatorial primary, and it, too was a civil war. In their case, literally. The confederates lost again. Though it was again much closer than one would’ve hoped.
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where we have just ushered in a new era of civility. For at least 9 innings.
Real time update: As of this writing, Democrats lead 7–2 in the bottom of the 4th. Such a huge lead….there is NO way they could blow this! Start measuring the….
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