In Memoriam

Republican Party Passes Away at Age 165; Rotting Carcass Found in Senate Chamber over Weekend

January 27, 2020

The Republican Party, once viewed as a pillar of the American two-party system, died on Saturday after a lengthy period of declining health. The party’s death was confirmed by all credible news outlets in the United States and Fox News.

Born in Ripon, Wisconsin in 1854 to fight the expansion of slavery, the Republican Party, or GOP, rose to great heights during the presidencies of such luminaries as Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Dwight D. Eisenhower. In its waning years, however, it devolved into the party of Donald Trump, Jim Jordan, and 1980s made-for-TV-movie actor, James Woods.

From its infancy in the mid 19th century through its adulthood in the 20th, the Republican Party showed great promise, leading the charge to end slavery, championing environmental causes, and even fighting for regulations in the meat-packing industry. In the middle of the 20th century, the party was indefatigable in its efforts to take on the red menace of Soviet Russia, who ironically, purchased the party in 2016.

In addition to Russia being a primary stakeholder, by the end of its life the GOP had also been sold in part to the religious right, the racist right, and the NRA, losing much of its identity in the process and moving even further away from its humble origins.

Observers say that while the GOP stayed vibrant for about a century, its decline was slow but steady, and in its final years bore little resemblance to the party from whence it came.

Despite these appearances, the modern GOP was indeed related to the party of Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Eisenhower. It was the 4th cousin, twice removed of the party of Eisenhower, a 6th cousin once removed of the party of Teddy Roosevelt, and a 9th cousin eleventy-hundred times removed of the party of Lincoln.

The broad scope of the Republican Party’s history can best be summed up by quoting its first president and its last — Lincoln and Trump — respectively:

“Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.” — A. Lincoln

“I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden, I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything.” — D. Trump

The Republican Party is survived by the Tea Party, Fox News, the alt-right, and Alabama.

A mass of faux-Christian burial will be held at a later date, timed to coincide with the release of Donald Trump’s tax returns and the testimony of John Bolton.

There will be private calling hours for family and friends, but as in life, so in death: there will be no public option.

For those who so desire, the best time to see the Republican Party in all its glory is 1863.

In lieu of flowers, the party asks that mourners kick an immigrant, use twice as many plastic straws as is needed, and solo-drive their SUV to the nearest Walmart to shop with their assault weapon.