In the Age of COVID-19, Does The Tiger King Have Better Ratings Than The Lyin’ King?
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 226
March 26, 2020
The answer to our title question is, sadly, no. If it did, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. But now that we have your attention, and likely the attention of Netflix’s lawyers…
This week we will begin with a serious note. Thousands of us are dying, tens of thousands of us have already been diagnosed, millions of us are unemployed, and one of us thinks everything will be peachy by Easter.
If you are an admirer of the peachy Easter guy, TWITPOL is not for you.
Further, it truly is difficult writing political satire and having a laugh at the expense of the most powerful leaders in the land when their usually goofy antics have been replaced with the prospect of killing gramma and grampa because they “are generally expensive to maintain and not productive.”
To adherents of that view, we have a subtle, nuanced message — go fuck yourselves from here to Mar-a-Lago and back. Then start over.
So this issue will have two changes— it will have fewer words and will not be terribly funny. So, ok… only one change.
Despite the serious overtones of the week, we have decided to unveil our brand news, seasonally-appropriate logo and motto:
TWITPOL: TP Is Our Middle Name!
We hope you are taking sound advice this week —rather than the president’s — and are safe and sound, sheltering in place with your loved ones, some good food, some board games, and some toilet paper.
Speaking of board games, here’s a quick question…
Q.What do these two pictures have in common?
A. Neither has a Clue.
Since we assume you enjoyed that question so much, we are going to replace the usual review of the week in the news with a pop quiz!
TWITPOL’S FIRST ANNUAL CORONAVIRUS IQ TEST
So, you think you know a lot about corona, eh? Below are 12 challenging questions — take the quiz and see how you rank!
1. The highest number of known, diagnosed coronavirus cases in the world belongs to which country:
a) China
b) Italy
c) United States
d) Nambia or some other shithole country
2. Another name for the coronavirus is:
a) China virus
b) the flu
c) COVID-19
d) Wuhan virus
3. The United States was recently at 15 cases and was within days of the total being zero:
a) true
or
b) Trump said it
4. It will be safe for America to return to normal:
a) Once the warm weather makes the virus go away like a miracle
b) Once there is a reasonable consensus of safety among the epidemiological, medical, and scientific communities
c) Easter
5. In a time when leaders and role models are needed, the best place to find salt-of-the-earth, well-adjusted powers of example is:
a) In the White House briefing room when the president is at the lectern
b) On the Netflix documentary, “Tiger King.”
6. “Douchenozzle of the Week” honors this week should go to:
a) Donald J. Trump
b) Donald J. Trump, Jr.
e) All of the above
7. If you’ve been in contact with someone who has tested positive for the coronavirus and you have been tested but await your test results, the reason for self-quarantining is:
a) Out of an abundance of caution
b) Out of literally the most basic fucking level of caution one can possibly fucking imagine
8. We, as a nation would be better served if:
a) Bernie Sanders were president instead of Trump
b) Joe Biden were president instead of Trump
c) This guy were president instead of Trump
d) All of the above
9. To avoid all of the horrific news about the rapid spread of the coronavirus and the real plight of our hospitals, you should:
a) visit social media sites
b) take a walk
c) watch Fox “News”
10. Jeopardizing our economy and the value of the stock market in order to avoid old and infirm people dying makes sense.
a) false
or
b) I am a human being
11. Direct crisis relief checks of $1,200 to the average family of four, and a modest increase in unemployment compensations are:
a) A bad idea that will incentivize nurses to quit their jobs… you know, the jobs they are already doing, being underpaid while enduring literally life-endangering conditions
b) An ok, if inadequate start
c) Very beautiful. Perfect, like the call, many people are saying
12. I learned the importance of washing my hands, social distancing, and staying home if I am sick…
a). months ago because I am not a fucking moron
b). 10 days ago by reading the president’s 15 day plan
Answers:
- c. No, seriously.
- c.
- b.
- b.
- b.
- e.
- b.
- d.
- c.
- b.
- b.
- a.
Scoring:
8–11 correct: Congratulations you NPR listening, Newshour watching, latte drinking socialist!
5–7 correct: Maybe you need to tune into a little bit more news instead of spending ALL your lockdown time on Pornhub.
2–4 correct: Even Fox viewers can guess a few of these correctly.
1-2 correct: Congratulations! You are Trump cabinet/Louie Gohmert level dumb!
0 correct: Mr. President, don’t you have more important things to do than take TWITPOL quizzes?
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where we survived a civil war and two world wars, all to now face the risk of being killed by the cockiness, false sense of invincibility, and the ignorance of two major groups…
If only this were just a soap opera.
And on that note, here’s another one inspired by the news of the day.
Remember: wash your hands thoroughly and frequently, avoid groups, maintain a safe distance socially, and do NOT listen to your president. Together we can survive this thing. Well, at least until November when we defeat him.
If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, “clap” for this story, recommend it, share it, tweet it, and do all sorts of other things the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter: @sbouchard67
