It’s a Turd! It’s a Stain! It’s… TARIFF MAN!

This Weak in Politics, Vol. 160

Yes, it’s Tariff Man, strange visitor from another planet who came to earth with powers and abilities far below those of actual men. Tariff man, who can change the course of progress, increase the cost of steel with his tiny hands, and who, disgusted by every mild-mannered reporter for great metropolitan newspapers and networks, fights a never ending battle against truth, justice, and the American way. And now another exciting episode in the adventures of Tariff Man.

December 6, 2018

Just when you thought it might be safe to be an American again, and hold your head high thanks to the lofty place in society that affords you, Donald Trump took the world stage at the G-19+ Trump Summit and alienated everyone, cancelled a handful of meetings, and called himself “Tariff Man,” adding tariff dyskinesia as another diagnosis to the president’s ever-growing list of ailments.

This being the Trump error…err…era, the embarrassment of Trump’s behaviour (we add the ‘u’ so we can attempt to deny our Americanness) was quickly overshadowed by other news. First, there was the slew of court maneuvers being executed by Robert Mueller, and then the death of a former president — which, while sad, graciously took the spotlight off Tariff Man for a couple of days.

We will start our coverage with the death of President George Herschel Herbert JJ Walker Bush, known for brevity’s sake as “George HW Bush,” “the elder Bush,” “the smarter Bush,” “Barbara’s husband,” or just “41.” The elder Bush, in case you have missed the 136 straight days of funeral coverage, was the 9th CIA Director, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, the 41st President of the United States, and the 38th president to die.

If you watched the television coverage of the 11 funerals held for him this week, you would also think he is the only Saint born in Milton, Massachusetts.

Hagiography aside (catch that word, @KatyTurNBC?), the funeral(s) of GHWB were a touching tribute to a bygone era (the late 80s to early 90s), when apparently there was no political bickering, and everyone lived happily ever after. The services put some needed empathy and valor into the national discourse. They also reminded Americans of our humanity, what with every living human who has ever held the job of president (plus Donald Trump) in attendance.

We aren’t saying the current president didn’t fit in, but these pictures from the 106th hour of the funeral coverage do make a point.

A military usher escorts the President and First Lady to their seats at the GHWB Memorial Service

In other news, some of the president’s key advisors and staffers headed back or are headed to court this week. Michael “Very Weak Man” Cohen, Mike “Lock her up!” Flynn, and Paul “Paul” Manafort each learned or will learn a little more about their fate this week.

Flynn was the first on the docket (which we think is an actual legal term! Take that, @NancyGrace). The sentencing recommendation for Flynn ironically said, “Don’t lock him up,” much to the chagrin of every thinking person in America plus a couple of Republicans.

And to the chagrin of reporters, the Flynn sentencing documents were very Muelleresq…Muelleria…Bob-like, in that they were heavily redacted and only gave hints of bigger things to come.

The sentencing memoranda (yeah, you read that right, memoranda) for Manafort and Cohen are expected later this week and will likely be equally redacted. It is our understanding that the Manafort memo includes this bit of legalese: “Holy shit, you won’t believe the stuff this guy kept doing, even while behind bars,” while the Cohen one includes, “and yet, he was somehow the lawyer for the President of The United States.”

Meanwhile, for reasons unbeknownst to us, the president continues to utilize the legal services of Rudy Giuliani. If it is knownst to you why this is, or if you are @KatyTurNBC or @oliviamunn, send us a note! Giuliani this week opted to take the unorthodox approach of suggesting that his client, the President of the United States, is very likely a moron. (About a year ago, this might have made him the Secretary of State). Giuliani said that getting Trump to answer the questions Mueller provided the president was “a nightmare,” adding that “it took him about three weeks what would normally take two days.” It should be noted that these are the questions that the president said he answered “very easily — very easily,” and without help.

President Trump after proudly finishing Robert Mueller’s take-home quiz all by himself.

We are not sure if the “the president is such a buffoon he can’t even answer simple questions” defense is some sort of shrewd strategy, like trying to lay the groundwork for an Alford plea. Ok, ok, we only said that in an effort to impress Katy Tur and Olivia Munn. And Nancy Grace? Oh how the mighty have fallen. Plus, it proves we learned everything we know about the law from watching “The Staircase.” Spoiler alert. Did we do that right?

It is very likely not a shrewd legal maneuver, what with it coming from the mind and mouth of Rudy Giuliani and all.

Giuliani also put his cybersecurity expertise to use this week when a tweet of his contained a typo that a Twitter user from Atlanta turned into a well played joke. Rudy wasn’t having a laugh. He admonished Twitter by saying:

He says “cardcarrying anti-Trumpers” as though it’s a bad thing. Plus, not to be those people, but cardcarrying isn’t a word.

This raises two questions:

1. How on earth did a man who bills himself as a cybersecurity expert allow his tweets to get invaded?
2. Does he really think getting your tweets invaded is a thing?

Shocking, just shocking, that this guy’s tweets were invaded.

What do we expect from the guy who thought moving New York City’s emergency response command center to…the World Trade Center was a good idea.

Finally to North Carolina, where officials are still trying to figure out what happened in the 9th congressional district during the midterm elections. Best anyone can tell, the Republican nominee, and one time congressman-elect (his opponent withdrew his concession this week), hired an operative who seems to have cheated in both the primary and the general election. GOP officials were outraged as their preferred method of fraud is to suppress the vote, not forge it. Their defense seems, well, Giuliani-esque. They argue that a new election should not take place because the Republican candidate stole enough votes that his lead is insurmountable — there simply aren’t enough legitimate votes to offset his lead and change the outcome, so, ummm hey look! Black people on a bus doing their frauding. Build a wall!

And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where the bar has been set so low that many pundits were calling Trump’s behavior during this time of mourning “presidential.”

This is loosely defined as: to the best of our knowledge, he didn’t shart in church.

If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, “clap” for this story, recommend it, share it, tweet it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter at @sbouchard67