A story straight from the pit

James Comey and The Giant Peach (Colored President)

This Weak in Politics, Vol. LXXV

May 11, 2017

In a year in which every week seems to feature the most unbelievable episode of a show you can’t stop watching, this week proved to be sweeps week. Unless you have been living under a rock, or get your news from Fox, you know that President Donald Milhous Trump this week fired FBI “Director” James Comey, even though, according to Trump, Comey told him three times he was not under investigation. Yeah, we don’t get that either.

The firing of Director Comey is arguably the biggest scandal in the 109-year history of the agency, and the 6th biggest scandal in the 109-day history of the Trump administration.

For the uninformed —Comey recently confirmed that there is an ongoing investigation into the 2016 US Presidential election. Namely, the FBI was trying to determine if the effort to get Trump elected as US president received any help from the Trump campaign, or was it entirely the Russians? And we have now learned that just last week, Comey sought additional funding from the Justice Department to pay for the investigation. We have also learned that federal prosecutors issued subpoenas to associates of former Trump National Security Advisor Michael Flynn just hours before Comey’s firing. In addition, former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates testified earlier this week that she informed the White House that she thought Flynn was at risk of being blackmailed, just days before she was fired.

In this dramatic recreation of Monday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, Sally Yates (standing) is seen answering questions from Ted Cruz (not).

While less astute observers of history might think this behavior by the president is Nixonian, we feel it is necessary to correct the record and not allow things to get out of proportion or perspective.

Trump’s actions around Russiagate are not Nixonian. Watergate was Trumpian. You don’t see people walking around golf courses saying, “look…a hail sized ball!”

That being said, it is impossible to avoid the Nixon/Trump comparisons…both are insecure men who became president and both are Dicks.

Even their letters share stylistic similarities:

Trump tweeted on Monday afternoon “The Russia-Trump collusion story is a total hoax, when will this taxpayer funded charade end?” then seemed to answer his own question 24 hours later by firing Comey. In his defense, Trump said Comey was fired quite simply, because “he wasn’t doing a good job.” If that’s true, Trump has a lot of explaining to do regarding the continued employment of Sean Spicer, Kelly Anne Conway, that creepy racist guy, the other creepy racist guy and the creepy racist Attorney General.

Comey was fired in the time-tested diplomatic and honorable way — by learning about it on TV while speaking to some of his employees.

In fairness, Trump did try to send a bodyguard, Keith Schiller to “deliver the message” to Comey in person. Below is footage of Schiller “delivering a message” to a protester that he (the protester) would not be getting his sign back.

The bottom line on Comey comes down to loyalty and remembering who you work for. Comey no longer enjoyed the support of the Kremlin.

Sources tell us his successor will be selected by a threesome, or troika if you will, of White House insiders consisting of Kushner, Gorka and Bannon (KGB for short).

White House officials defended the firing, and seemed surprised at the backlash it stirred. “The president has been very transparent and open about this. This is not something we are ashamed of, or hiding from,” said Sean Spicer, while hiding behind a bush on the White House lawn.

Nope….nothing creepy or suspicious about this.

In a final Nixon-esque, or Trump-like if you will, twist, there has been speculation that perhaps there was an internal White House concern of a mole from the FBI being the source of leaks harmful to the president, a la Mark W. Felt and Richard Nixon. When asked very directly if he was concerned about a “deep throat type scandal” Trump inexplicably responded, “I’ve told you before, the Moscow dossier is fake news.”

The administration tried to pivot away from Nixon comparisons and the Russia story by having Trump visit with Henry Kissinger, the Russian Foreign Minister and the Russian Ambassador to the US.

Russian asset (with luscious hair) seen in the Oval Office on Wednesday in a photograph that will be denied until compelled to answer under oath by FBI investig…oh, wait. Never mind.
Pool readout of the oval office conversation Wednesday: “It is so great to be in the White House. Thank you so much!” Response: “It was our pleasure, Mr. President, you’re welcome.”

The Russia story has taken up all of the oxygen in the news cycle, not allowing Trump to savor his latest major accomplishment — getting a “healthcare” bill the easiest 1/3 of the way to a passage that will not happen. This leaves Trump’s major achievement in the first quarter of 2017, the confirmation of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. With all due respect to President Trump, this was not exactly a Herculean (yeah @oliviamunn, we studied mythology) task. The Senate changed the rules so Gorsuch wouldn’t need bipartisan support, and Trump’s role was to merely read Gorsuch’s name off a list prepared for him by right wing special interest groups. If reading names of white guys off a list is an accomplishment, the hostess at the Denny’s in Burlington, VT would be a Nobel Laureate.

In other news, France had a pivotal election this week — an election that will have reverberations and repercussions from the Elysée Palace (oui, @KatyTurNBC, we’ve been there) all the way across the street to other parts of Paris (let’s be honest, France has not exactly been a 21st century monde-leader). The race garnered worldwide attention as it featured a scandal plagued, greedy, inexperienced investment-banker.

And that was the good guy.

His opponent was a female version of Donald Trump (or a male version of Geert Wilders, if you will).

The ultimate victor, Emmanuelle Macron (the Frencher version of Justin Trudeau) was able to get millions more votes than his opponents, and because France does not have le collège électoral, he will become le president. His victory partially allays concerns of a global right-wing takeover.

For those looking for patterns and trends between the US and French elections, careful study may point to one key indicator in determing outcomes.

In the United States, the race featured an anti-immigrant, right-wing extremist candidate who won. In France the race featured an anti-immigrant, right-wing extremist candidate who lost.

In the United States, the race featured a pro-immigrant centrist with close ties to the finance sector who was endorsed by Barack Obama and lost, while in France, the race featured a pro-immigrant centrist with close ties to the finance sector who was endorsed by Barack Obama and won.

Macron’s win also marks, perhaps, a return of intellectualism to the world stage. In fact, in addition to degrees from some of the world’s finest universities, the new class of world leaders reflect a new globalism. This is evidenced by the increase in multilingualism amongst world leaders:

Number of Languages Spoken by New World Leaders

Emmanuel Macron, President-Elect, France: 2 Languages
Mark Rutte, Prime Minister, Netherlands: 2 Languages
Antonio Guterres, Secretary General, United Nations: 4 Languages
Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister, Canada: 2 Languages
Donald Trump, President, United States: 0.47 Languages

And finally, we will close this week with a return to our regular feature:

Three Things You Don’t Usually See…

  1. LA cops surrounding a white guy on the highway

2. A Russian not named Yakov Smirnoff doing a stand up routine

3. Liberal Brits teaching Sean Spicer a valuable lesson

And that’s how the weak spent the week in a nation that prides itself on being a nation of laws not men, yet men can get rid of the men enforcing the laws.

If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, recommend this story, share it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter at @sbouchard67

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Steve Bouchard

Steve Bouchard

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Bouchard (1967-Now) is an American “writer” & “humorist.” A cyclist, he’s tied w/ Lance Armstrong in Tour de France wins. Combined w/ Jeff Bezos, is worth $100B