Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III, We Hardly Knew Ye

November 8, 2018

It’s tough in a week like this one to decide what the top story should be. Should it be the Democrats’ takeover of the House of Representatives, the Republicans increasing their Senate majority, the tragedy of the largest mass murder in the US since the week before last, or the firesignation of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III.

We have decided to lead with Sessions, as his firing/resignation may finally prove to be the biggest constitutional crisis of the Trump administration this week.

Sessions has become an interesting figure since sacrificing what little dignity he had and joining the Trump administration. He has gone from being a conservative hero, to Donald Trump’s whipping boy, and to the left, the shift has been even more dramatic. He has gone from conservative nutjob, to the racist-you-find-least-despicable in the Trump cabinet.

We are on the side of finding him to be the least despicable racist in the cabinet if for no other reason than he was accidentally protecting the Mueller investigation. Therefore, in tribute to Beauregard Sessions, we have put together this little video.

(Note: if you think that video was unduly harsh, ponder this. In one of his last official acts before resigning, he made it harder by design for the government to stop police abuse. There are no typos in that sentence.)

Sessions’ days were numbered since he broke with his own tradition, and that of the White House, by acting quasi-ethically. (Don’t worry, Beauregard, we said “ethically,” not “ethnically.”) Sessions recused himself from any matters involving the Russia investigation because he had clear conflicts of interest in the matter. This caused Trump to seek out, and ultimately find, someone who won’t recuse themselves despite conflicts of interest, and who will pull the plug on the Mueller investigation. He found just the right man — Matthew something or other, who is best known for his signature role as Bull on television’s Night Court.

Acting Attorney General Matthew something-or-other
Bull from Night Court

Many speculated Sessions would stick around until he got fired. For those of you who wonder if he would really stick around where he isn’t wanted, remember this: Sessions served in the Senate for 20 years.

There is now much debate as to whether Bull from Night Court could legally become the acting Attorney General (Why not? He was an acting bailiff, and that turned out well.) without having received Senate confirmation. To further muddy those waters, Sessions hinted in his resignation letter that he was leaving at the behest of the president (though he didn’t use the word “behest” because….Alabama). In any event, he left peacefully and without causing a scene.

The same could not be said of everyone in the White House this week.

A fracas nearly broke out in the east room of the White House when Jim “The Accoster” Acosta was so incredibly violent and dangerous that he had to be banned from the White House and his press credentials for being on the White House grounds were revoked. Here’s a look at the violence Acosta wrought:

White House Spokesthing Sarah Huckabee Sanders, in suspending Acosta’s press credentials, claimed Acosta placed his hands on a woman, calling it “totally unacceptable behavior.”*

*It should be noted that Sanders has not called the president’s fondness for grabbing women by the pussy “totally unacceptable behavior.” Instead, she said it was litigated during the election, and the fact that Trump got the second highest number of votes of the two people running shows that he has overwhelming support, and thus the pussy grabbing is either ok or never happened. It’s hard to argue with that. If you are a grapefruit.

Sanders tweeted her own version of the video — a version that humans say was doctored, while the administration and Infowars (sometimes indistinguishable) claims it wasn’t. Judge for yourself:

In the spirit of full disclosure, we were also once assaulted by a visibly drunken Jim Acosta.

Jim Acosta, with drink in hand, is seen attacking the author with his shoulder

As for the mid term elections, the results were mixed. Some Republican asshats were re-elected while others were rejected. The net result is that Nancy Pelosi is poised to become the next Speaker of the House, a post that has been vacant since John Boehner left for greener pastures (aka unlimited Marlboro reds and tubfuls of booze).

Democrats got the most votes overall, but this was only enough to win back the House of Representatives and a host of governorships. The results in Florida show that there is no way our founding fathers knew that Florida man existed. If they did, they certainly wouldn’t have let him vote. Seriously? Ron DeSantis? We digress.

Republicans were able to slightly increase their lead in the Senate. This larger Senate majority means that now, when Susan Collins pretends she might not simply vote the party line, the world won’t wait as she gives her Hamlet of Bangor soliloquy. We can stop pretending. As Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz (Jesus…6 more years? Really?) go, so goes Susan.

Trump tried to put his best face on the loss of the House — unfortunately for him, this is his best face:

He also held a press conference where he set out to show that he was calm and not at all rattled. He did so by coolly referring to the elections as the “midtown and mid-turn…year.”

Trump went on to argue alternately that the loss wasn’t his fault — it was Paul Ryan’s. Plus, the loss didn’t happen — his stewardship of the economy and his campaigning led to unexpected victories in liberal bastions like Georgia, Indiana, and Missouri. And if it was a loss, it was because there were some candidates who “refused the embrace.”

Maybe you should have popped a Tic Tac first, Mr. President.

And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where not only did we suffer through Beto and Andrew and Stacy falling short (man, those losses were really suppressing), but we also learned that 85 year old Ruth Bader Ginsberg fell and broke 3 ribs.

Apropos nothing, here is a resource for organ donations. https://www.organdonor.gov/

If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, “clap” for this story, recommend it, share it, tweet it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter at @sbouchard67

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Bouchard (1967-Now) is an American “writer” & “humorist.” A cyclist, he’s tied w/ Lance Armstrong in Tour de France wins. Combined w/ Jeff Bezos, is worth $100B

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Steve Bouchard

Steve Bouchard

Bouchard (1967-Now) is an American “writer” & “humorist.” A cyclist, he’s tied w/ Lance Armstrong in Tour de France wins. Combined w/ Jeff Bezos, is worth $100B

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