Mitch McConnell & Donald Trump in …Case Closed

May 9, 2019

What a week this has been…

Now, you would think that we would lead this week by covering the shooting that took place in a school. To clarify, we mean the most recent one in Colorado, not the one late last month in North Carolina. But apparently, school shootings are the price we must pay so that others might hunt. Besides, there have been ten school shootings this year in the U.S., and there have been well over 100 mass shootings overall in the U.S. this year. So, shootings now get an asterisk. All this because a corrupt lobbying group with money problems and leaders extorting one another — a group that has been demonstrably infiltrated by Russian government operatives — has the Republican Party by the ball.

So, to the news. This week, the Trump administration took extraordinary steps that will inevitably lead to a constitutional crisis — all to keep hidden from public view the documents, witnesses, and reports that he claims “exonerated” him. Because innocent. Duh.

Mitch McConnell, that parasite of virtue, put an even finer point on it, saying that the Russia investigation/the president’s obstruction of justice cases are closed. Trump couldn’t have said it better himself.

He thinks we should take it as an article of faith that the report vindicates him. (If you don’t know what an article of faith is, Jerry Falwell, Jr. is more than willing to strip off his and give you a show apparently.)

And why wouldn’t we take it as an article of faith? Did the man lie about his success? About his taxes? About his grades?

Ok, ok…we’ll move on. This week we did indeed learn that the president may have exaggerated his business success. He has told the American people he is a very successful man who just loves his country and is willing to sacrifice so much for it. Well, we can think of 1.17 billion reasons this isn’t true.

The truth is that Donald J. Trump, it turns out, lost more money from 1985–1994 than possibly any other American. That’s right…the host of “The Apprentice,” and the man who pretended to write books about his wealth and success was actually the person (we’d say “taxpayer,” but, well, you get our drift) who lost the most. This led every Twitter comedian in America to come up with a joke that this record big loss by one individual should have made him the star not of “The Apprentice,” but of, well, even though you guessed it, here it is:

Yes, yes. We know we shouldn’t call the president a fucking lying piece of shit — especially this week, as it is the one-year anniversary of the First Lady’s wildly successful anti-bullying campaign, “Be Best” was unveiled. The president and his supporters celebrated the anti-bullying campaign by suggesting that John Kerry should be arrested, Hillary Clinton should be locked up, Robert Mueller and his team are sick. Representative Matt Gaetz — who has what has to be the world’s worst combination: the looks of Louie Gohmert, coupled with the intellect of Louie Gohmert — said he was happy to be in Florida because he “could not stand the sight of Nancy Pelosi’s face for one more second”

Can you even imagine? Being happy to be in Florida???

Where were we? Oh yes. The news. It has been such a whirlwind week that it has been difficult to keep up. So, to keep this brief, here is a little video that touches on some of the bigger stories of the week.

As for that Iran thing, the president and his team are truly determined to get rid of the Muellers.

Um, mullahs. They meant mullahs. We are almost certain.

Sorry about that. We New Englanders are an odd lot. We take away Rs and put them where they don’t belong. It would not be unheard of, for instance, to hear a new Englander discussing US/Caribbean politics by saying, “The US should pursue with vigah our policy towards Cuber.”

Just kidding. We don’t have a policy toward Cuba. Except insofar as Trump hates Cuba. His tune will change once someone informs him Cuba is an authoritarian dictatorship. But for now, Trump hates Cuba — and it will only worsen as the Cubanos continue to try to help Venezueler.

That’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where the president casually laughed at the suggestion that we shoot refugees and asylum seekers coming to our border.

And oh, how the white people laughed.

But her emails, indeed.

As Mitch would say, case closed.

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Steve Bouchard

Steve Bouchard

Bouchard (1967-Now) is an American “writer” & “humorist.” A cyclist, he’s tied w/ Lance Armstrong in Tour de France wins. Combined w/ Jeff Bezos, is worth $100B