Mmm… Chinese Feud… and Other News of the Week
May 16, 2019
This week saw President Trump initiating a trade war with China, causing the markets to go down, a rhetorical war with both the Congress and the Constitution, causing democracy to go down, and a war war with Iran, causing Republican IQs and fealty (which is like loyalty, but with an ‘f-e’ instead of an ‘l-o-y,’ for you Trump supporters) to American values to go down. It is one of those weeks we should all try to forget. With that in mind, the next few paragraphs and pictures will relive every gory detail. Because that’s how we roll. (Which is a thing we used to say in the 90s, for you millennials.)
We’ll begin in China, mostly because we went through all the trouble of making that take-out container so we now feel committed. Billion-dollar-loser, rich old uncle PayNoTaxes, is showing off his business acumen by making the stock market go up and down more often than Stormy Daniels in her greatest hits compilation. Ummm…we are told.
The market, which we have long been told to believe was a responsible barometer managed by the staid and sober titans of industry, instead reacts like, well…we’ll let this video do the talking.
From China and trade we move to Iran and tirades. U.S. National Security Advisor, John “Usain” Bolton this week finally got to turn the armies from his risk board at home into real grown-up soldiers, floating the idea of having a deployment the size of Manchester, NH (from where this is being written) head off to Iran.
Without getting too graphic, as we are a family publication, let us just say we have reason to believe this led Bolton to
The president insisted that this was not a wag the dog type scenario, noting he doesn’t even like dogs, so why would he try to wag one? And he noted the turmoil wasn’t just in Iran, having his State Department evacuate all non-essential personnel in Iraq. “It’s Iran, It’s Iraq…all the’Ira-’ countries. Well the Muslim ones, really, if you think about it. I mean, I don’t want Iraland getting worried. I like them,” added the president.
Tensions with Iran have always been high, as Iran stands in direct conflict with so many American values. Take women’s rights for example. The US is at odds with Iran in part because Iran oppresses women, not affording them full rights afforded to men, literally dictating what they can and can’t do with their own bodies. And the oppressors are always men, as they wield the power. The Republican Party will not stand for the quashing of womens’ rights.
On a completely unrelated topic, the Republican controlled Alabama legislature this week passed a strict and sweeping anti-abortion law that quashes a woman’s right to choose and to be in charge of her own body. The law, called HB10AreYOuFuckingKiddingMeWithThisShit?, passed both chambers and was signed in to law by the governor. Who would have thought that the state that produced Jeff Sessions and Roy Moore could be so backwards thinking?
In honor of the Alabama legislature, and the Republican Party writ large, TWITPOL has commissioned a piece of art commemorating this moment in history. We are pleased to present our latest artistic effort — a piece we call:
Female Anatomy 101 — The G-o.p. Spot
Even if their plan to chip away at Roe v. Wade state by state doesn’t work, the Republicans do have a…well…Plan B.
B. as in Bolton — the birth control method wherein potential sexual partners are encouraged to put on some music by Michael Bolton, while picturing the aforementioned John Bolton naked. This will squash any sexual desire . Therefore, the sex act doesn’t occur, and the stork, therefore, is not summoned.
Note: if the thought of John Bolton naked makes you queasy, do NOT scroll any further. If the thought of John Bolton naked does not make you queasy, consult your physician immediately as you may be suffering from a malady called ‘Oh My Fucking God What is Wrong With You?’
The Alabama law doesn’t even make exceptions for rape and incest. The theory being that if rape and incest don’t disqualify a man from presidenting, they shouldn’t disqualify him from parenting.
We don’t want to list the full names of the Alabama senators who enabled this bill to become law, a move the young people call vaxxing, or something. Nor do we want to highlight any patterns of who exactly made this…ummm…choice. So here is a list of just the first names of the Alabama state senators who voted to ban abortion:
Greg (R), Gerald (R), Will (R), Tom (R), Donnie (R), Chris (R), Sam (R), Garlan (R), Andrew (R), Steve (R), Del (R), Jim (R), Tim (R), Arthur (R), Randy (R), Greg(R), Dan (R), Clay (R), David (R), Shay (R), Larry (D)…just kidding, (R), Jabo (R), Cam (R), and Jack (R),
If you are anything like us, something jumped out at you from that list. Specifically…there’s someone named Jabo in the Alabama Senate?
Following Alabama’s lead (something you’d think no state would want to do), many other red states are already crafting their own pieces of legislation to ban abortion as early as possible.
Republicans like these bills as they think they strengthen their 2020 prospects. In other words— putting them a fetal heartbeat away from the presidency.
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where Alabama is boldly leading us into the 17th century.
Lest you think we are making light of the fate women are suffering at the hands of neanderthals (with apologies to neanderthals), we urge you with all of our heart to contribute to one of these organizations to help protect a woman’s right to choose.
We mean, even Pat Roberston thinks Alabama went too far. Let that sink in.
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