June 6, 2019
In order to celebrate the special relationship between President Donald Trump and himself, the Commander in Chief this week went to England and brought his kids. And while Trump being on the international stage makes all of us cringe in fear of what embarrassment he will thrust upon us, for worse or worse, he is our president.
Trump’s entourage included, at taxpayer expense, his three favorite children — Don. Jr., Ivanka, and Forrest. Critics of the president (loosely defined as Americans who can read, plus the rest of the world) noted that, aside from tweeting height insults at London Mayor Sadiq Khan, the president’s trip had less substance than a Republican state convention in Alabama.
The president was greeted by throngs of protesters (not to be confused with thongs of protesters) who he pretended not to see. Those that he did see, he claimed were supporters taking to the streets of London to show him their love. Keep in mind this is an administration that refers to fossil fuels as “molecules of freedom,” and natural gas as “freedom gas.” So, the president wasn’t lying, he merely had molecules of bull freedom seeping out his piehole.
These protests underscore the way Trump is viewed when he gets out of the safety bubble of red-state America and into Europe. In southeast England, protesters held signs proclaiming Love Trumps Hate. This is in contrast to the southeastern United States (yes, we’re looking at you Alabama), where supporters wear hats saying Love Trump’s Hate. (Their signs read “Loosers Go Home!” and “Sadiq Khan is a idiot.”)
While in Europe and not seeing throngs or thongs of protesters, Trump paid homage to older Americans who didn’t have bone-spurs and thus saved the world from tyranny. He did this by elaborating on the many reasons why he didn’t serve during the Vietnam war (it was far away, and back then no one had ever heard of the country), and how he was making up for it by cutting social programs and investing in space force.
And while on the subject of the Vietnam war, Trump pontificated on a topic he doesn’t think about. Namely, John McCain. As the president loves television and loathes McCain, we thought we’d present to you a video portraying the president’s views via his favorite medium…a TV show.
Meanwhile, back in Virginia, Governor Al Jolson announced this week that he will call a special session of the state’s legislature specifically to deal with gun violence in the shadow of last week’s massacre in Virginia Beach. The special session will provide the legislature the rare opportunity to kill reasonable gun control outside of the regular session and instead replace it with thoughts and prayers.
Note: We have been alerted that we made a huge error in the first sentence of that last paragraph. Virginia is a Commonwealth, not a state. Man, we are red-faced over that one.
Gun rights advocates were critical of the move, saying that the immediate aftermath of a major shooting was not the time to discuss such a controversial issue as not wanting innocent men, women, and children to be coldly gunned down in their church, school, movie theater, or workplace.
In fairness to these advocates, it has only been 6 days since the Virginia Beach shooting. And the Virginia Beach shooting was right on the heels of the Santa Fe High School shooting, which was right after the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting, which was right after the Thousand Oaks shooting, which was right after the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, which was right after the Sutherland Springs church shooting, which was right after the Las Vegas shooting which, was right after the Orlando nightclub shooting, which was right after the San Bernardino attack, which was right after the Washington Navy Yard shooting, which was right after the Aurora theater shooting, which was right after the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, which was right after the Geneva County massacre, which was right after the Binghamton shooting, which was right after the Fort Hood shooting, which was right after the Virginia Tech shooting, which was right after the Columbine High School massacre. So give it a rest — these things take time. Besides, our president addressed the matter by donning his Sunday best, and leading a congregation in praying both for a loving God to welcome the victims of the Virginia Beach shooting into the kingdom of heaven and for divine intervention in ending the scourge of gun violence plaguing our nation. Just kidding. He actually waddled his sweaty ass into a church and asked the pastor to — we kid you not — pray for him. It is our understanding that the words “Virginia Beach” and “victims” were never uttered. Nor were the words “hypocritical, egomaniacal douchenozzle.”
Speaking of things plaguing the nation, the US continues to see outbreaks of diseases that had long been held in check by a well-vaccinated population. The anti-vaccination movement, like the very diseases vaccines prevent, has evolved over the years. Initially, the movement was populated by loopy liberal left coasters, but over time it has been increasingly commandeered by religious zealots, leading to entirely new conditions.
(If you find you are itching for more humor like those last two pictures, be sure to read last week’s unheralded, and largely unread classic “Measles, Mueller, Mexico, and Misogyny.”
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where the party that currently wields the most power and is known almost exclusively for its opposition to taxes and less regulation is loving the living shit out of high tariffs and regulating lady parts. Go figure.
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