No Matter How You Slice it, Kavanaugh Ends With Ugh
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 152
October 4, 2018
This week there was basically one story and one story only. The coronation of FFFF Bart “The Boofer” O’Kavanaugh to his rightful position on the United States Supreme Court. As such, this issue will stick to that the way Bart Kavanaugh stuck to his story about boofing being about flatulence.
The Kavanaugh nomination has further exposed the massive rift in our nation. To Democrats, and people with souls, the week reminded them that “Kavanaugh” ends with “ugh.” To Republicans, “Kavanaugh” ends with “awww.” As in “awww, he is such a decent man. Sure, a little drunk and rapey, but man, will he ever protect Citizens United!”
To put the week in perspective, and to show just how hard it is to write satire during a week like this, here is a sentence that is absolutely, positively true:
Senator Mitch McConnell this week called for a hurried vote on the nomination (by a man who has been accused of sexual misconduct by 22 women) of a man who has been credibly accused of sexual assault before even reading the FBI background check meant to look into the allegation.
America. Great again.
(A copy of the leaked first page of the FBI’s controversial and confidential background interview with a key witness can be found here.)
Up until this week, Republicans have been very disciplined in not criticizing Dr. Ford. Well, except for calling her ‘mixed up’ and saying she ‘has problems.’
They also say they found her to be very credible and assured the nation that they believe her. Well, they believe everything she said except for the one thing she said she was 100% certain about: that a drunken Associate Supreme Court Justice-to-be, Brett M. Kavanaugh, once pinned her to a bed, groped her, tried removing her clothes, and covered her mouth to muffle her screams while he and a friend laughed so callously that it is forever burned in her memory. Aside from that, they say she was treated with kindness.
That “kindness” ended this week, as none other than the President of the “United” States, Donald Trump, did this:
Oops. Sorry, that’s the wrong video. That’s Trump mocking a disabled reporter. We meant to show you this one:
Oh, shoot. That’s not what we were looking for either. That’s Trump mocking a 68-year old grandmother with pneumonia. Here’s the one we were looking for. Donald Trump mocking an alleged sexual assault victim:
As for other Republicans, they say they “believe” Dr. Ford and found her testimony compelling. Lindsey Graham even went so far as to say that she was just as much a victim as Kavanaugh was.
You know what? That was too watered down without details. Let’s try again. Even Lindsey Graham went so far as to say that the alleged victim of the sexual assault was just as much a victim as the alleged assaulter. Yeah. These guys really get it.
The conundrum for the Republicans is that they also believe Kavanaugh, but for real.
And as anyone who watches baseball knows, in America, tie goes to the rapist.
So a very diverse group of Senators — an old white guy from Kentucky, an old white guy from Iowa, an old white guy from Utah, an old white guy from Texas, Lindsey Graham, and here is the diversity…a young white guy from Iowa — determined that now is the time to move ahead with an up or down vote on Judge Kavanaugh.
Outside groups that have been bought and paid for by the Koch brothers have been running ads in support of Kavanaugh. This is a departure, because in the Trump years, it is usually Sheldon Adelson, and not the Koch brothers, who does the heavy lifting. These ads all say that Kavanaugh is a man of “honor, integrity and strong moral character.” Which is all true save for the belligerent drinking, the sexual assaulting, the lying, and the deflecting.
That being said, there are Kavanaugh supporters who join with Democrats in at least giving lip service to the idea that perhaps for the integrity of the court, the guy who is managing Kavanaugh’s nomination should probably not have been the guy determining who the FBI was allowed to talk to and for how long.
Even right-wing commentator and “Judge” Andrew Napolitano said he was disappointed that the FBI didn’t conduct a more thorough investigation.
Oops. that is not Napolitano at all. Damn autocorrect.
Here is the judge. We apologize.
To the hedgehog.
And what about the one Republican who stood up and boldly broke with his party, suggesting that perhaps someone ought to, you know, look into the fact that a nominee for a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court may have sexually assaulted someone and lied about it under oath? It seems he may have used up all his boldness Wheaties in calling for the investigation, as it now appears he will vote to confirm to the Supreme Court for a lifetime appointment, a man who may have sexually assaulted someone and lied about it under oath. This is rather striking, as Senator Flake looked very much a man at peace during the Ford/Kavanaugh hearing last week.
Meanwhile, the aforementioned South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham was very busy this week auditioning for a position in the Trump administration.
Ok, so that wasn’t entirely fair. Maybe Lindsey really is just plain spitting mad about the way Kavanaugh was treated, and he isn’t actually angling for a cabinet post.
But then how do you explain the photos he’s been handing out to colleagues this week showing his head awkwardly taped over that of Attorney General Jeff Sessions?
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where the president announces to an adoring crowd that he has fallen in love with a ruthless, murderous dictator, and it doesn’t even get above the fold coverage.
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