Q Can Get Anything it Wants, at Malice’s Restaurant

This Weak in Politics, Vol. 247

November 26, 2020

In honor of the fact that Q-Anon conspiracy theorist and now former-felon Michael Flynn has been pardoned by President Trump, we thought we would present the following Democracy Massacree.

Enjoy! Happy Thanksgiving!

Q can get anything it wants at Malice’s restaurant
Q can get anything it wants at Malice’s restaurant
Walk right in, unless you’re black
But you’re gonna have to give to Trump’s Super PAC
Q can get anything it wants at Malice’s restaurant

This song is called “Malice’s Restaurant
It’s about Malice, and the
Restaurant, but “Malice’s Restaurant” is not really a restaurant,
That’s just the name of the song
That’s why I call the song “Malice’s Restaurant.”

Now it all started four Novembers ago… four years ago, in November,
When our nation somehow went and elected Malice to occupy the White House

But Malice doesn’t live at the white house, he lives at Mar-a-Lago and only occasionally visits the White House between rounds of golf and klan rallies.

And livin’ in Mar-a-Lago like that, Malice’s family got a lot of room in the White House where a president used to be, and havin’ all that room (seein’ as how they took out all those pesky qualified people), they decided that they didn’t have to take out their garbage for a long time — they’d just get it confirmed by the Senate.

So we the people got up here and found all the garbage in there and we decided that it’d be a friendly gesture if we the people take the garbage out of the White House

So we took the garbage out by casting mail-in ballots
and other implements of destruction, and headed on toward the city of DC. Well, we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across the White House sayin’, “the election was rigged, so we aren’t leaving.”

We’d never heard of a dumped president not leavin’ before, and with tears in
our eyes, we drove off into the sunset lookin’ for another way to get rid of the garbage

Just kidding. We let them count the votes and confirmed the garbage was indeed fixin’ to be removed already

Then we all stayed home ‘cuz there was a pandemic and all, and we had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn’t be beat, went to sleep, and didn’t get up until the next morning, when we got a phone call from “Attorney” Rudy

He said, “kids, and women, and black and brown people, we found your names on an envelope at the bottom of about 80 million other votes and I just wanted to know if you had any information about it”

And we said, “yes sir, Attorney Rudy, we cannot tell a lie. We put that envelope
in the mail along with around 80 million other voters.” After speakin’ to Rudy for about forty-five minutes on the telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said that he had to go down to the Four Seasons Landscape Center, and we should go down and
speak to him at the Supreme Court after he was finished

So we got in our red VW microbuses and Priuses with our ballots and IDs and implements of destruction and headed on toward the Pennsylvania Supreme Court or Four Seasons Total Landscaping, whichever came first

Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Rudy could’ve done at
the court/landscapers, and the first was that he could’ve given us a
medal (like the one Rush Limbaugh got) for bein’ so brave and honest on the telephone (which wasn’t very likely, and we didn’t expect it), and the other thing was that he could’ve bawled us out and told us never to be seen votin’ around in the vicinity again, which is what we expected

But when we got to the Supreme Court, there was a third possibility
That we hadn’t even counted upon, and that is that Attorney Rudy is to lawyerin’ what James Woods is to actin’… sure, he may still be doing it, but his best days were in the 80s, and the pressure was gettin’ to Attorney Rudy and his face began to melt off

Now, we want to tell you ‘bout the Republican Party of Pennsylvania, where this is happenin’

They got about three lawyers, two elected officials, and not three digits of IQ between all of ’em but when we got to the landscaping parking lot, there was tens of ’em, this bein’ the biggest political crime of the last fifty years and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it

And they was usin’ up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin’
around the local Sheriff’s officer Station. They was takin’ plaster tire tracks of our votin’ vans, footprints, dog-smellin’ prints and they compiled twenty-seven 8 and a half by eleven “affidavits” with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explainin’ what each one was, to be used as evidence against us

After the ordeal, Rudy said he was gonna put us in a cell — lock us up like they were fixin’ to do to ole Hillary during the 2nd term

He said “kids, I’m gonna put you in a cell . I want your wallets and your belts… but mostly your wallets. Somebody’s gotta pay the 20 grand a day I think I’m worth.”

We said, “Attorney Rudy, we can understand your wantin’ our wallets, so we don’t have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you want our belts for?”

and he said “Kid, we don’t want any hangin’s

We said, “Attorney Rudy, did you think we was gonna hang ourselves for votin’?”

Rudy said he was makin’ sure, and, a friend Rudy was, ’cause he took out the
Toilet seat so we wouldn’t be tempted to do our toiletin’ business because it was one of them Democrat toilets that you need to flush 15 times. Rudy was just makin’ sure

It was about four or five hours later that Malice (remember Malice?
This is a song about Malice)
Malice came by and, with a few nasty words from him and Rudy on the
side, got laughed out of court

So we went back to home, had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn’t be beat, and didn’t get up until the next morning, when we proceeded back to the Supreme Court of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvannia

We walked in, sat down, Rudy came in with an appeal and the twenty-seven 8 and a half by eleven pages of “affidavits” with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one

Man came in, said, “All rise!” We all stood up, and Attorney Rudy stood up with the twenty-seven 8 and a half by 11 pages, and the judge walked in, sat
down, with a seein’ eye dog and he sat down

We sat down

Attorney Rudy looked at the seein’ eye dog then at the twenty-seven 8 and a half by eleven pages of “affidavits” with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and looked at the seein’ eye dog and then at the twenty-seven 8 and a half by eleven pages of “affidavits” with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to have more mascara dripping out of his temples because Rudy came to the realization that it was a typical case of American swamp justice, and there wasn’t nothin’ he could do about it, and the judge wasn’t gonna look at the twenty-seven 8 and a half by eleven pages of “affidavits” with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one to be used as evidence against us

And he might be fined fifty dollars or disbarred or something but he’ll still keep on Rudyin’

But that’s not the end of the story

They got a buildin’ down in Washington, DC called the Justice Department, where Rudy hopes to walk in with them Democrat cheatin’ ballots and have them injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and rejected

Rudy then proceeded down the hall, gettin’ more injections, inspections, detections, neglections, erections, and rejections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin’ to the voters

They was there for two hours… three hours… four hours… for a long time… goin’ through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things
And we was havin’ a tough time there, and they was inspectin’,
injectin’, and rejectin’ every single one of our votes, and they was leavin’ the Republican votes untouched!

Proceeded through, and we finally came to see the very last man

We walked in, sat down, after a whole big thing there, we walked up, and said, “what do you want?”

He said, “kids, we only got one question, have you ever been
accused of votin’ fraud?”

And we proceeded to tell him the story of Malice’s Restaurant Massacree with
full orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff like that, and other phenomenon

He stopped us right there and said, “kids, have you ever been to court?” And
we proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven 8 and a half by eleven pages of “affidavits” with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one

He stopped me right there and said, “kids, I want you to go over and sit down
on that bench that says ‘Group W’”

And we walked over to the bench there

Group W is where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the Trump Administration’s second term after committin’
your special crime

There was all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly-lookin’ people on the bench there
There was mother-rapers. father-stabbers. father-rapers!
Father-rapers sittin’ right there on the bench next to us! And they was mean
And nasty and ugly and horrible and crime fightin’ guys were sittin’ there
on the bench, and the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one the meanest
father-raper of them all was comin’ over to us, and he was mean and
ugly and nasty and horrible and all kinds of things, and he sat down next to
us and said, “Kids, what’d you get?”

We said, “We didn’t get nothin’ yet. We won the popular vote… again, and this time we won the e-lectoral college thingy too..”

He said, “what were you brought here for, kids?” and we said, “votin’ ”
and they all moved away from us on the bench there, with the hairy eyeball
and all kinds of mean, nasty things, till we said, “And creatin’ a nuisance”
And they all came back, shook our hands — well elbow-bumped, what with there bein’ a deadly pandemic and all, and we had a great time on the
bench talkin’ about crime, mother-stabbin’, father-rapin’, all kinds
of groovy things that we was talkin’ about on the bench, and everything was fine

We was smokin’ cigarettes and all kinds of things, until William Barr hisself came over, had some paper in his hand, held it up and said
“Kids, this-piece-of-paper’s-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
You-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-ballot inspector’s-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say”

And he talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he
said

But we had fun fillin’ out the forms and playin’ with the pencils on the
bench there

We filled out the Massacree with the four-part harmony. Wrote it down there
just like it was and everything was fine. And we put down our pencils, and we
turned over the piece of paper, and there on the other side in
the middle of the other side away from everything else on the other
side in parentheses capital letters quotated read
the following words “kids, have you rehabilitated yourself?”

We went over to William Barr hisself and said, “William Barr, you got a lot of god-damned gall to ask us if we’ve rehabilitated myself! I mean I mean I
mean that we’re sittin’ here on the bench… sittin’ here on the Group W bench, ’cause you want to know if we’re moral enough to vote and why we didn’t vote for the pussy-grabbin’, porn-star humpin’, Russia colludin’ ass-pimple of a president?

He looked at us and said, “kid, we don’t like your kind! We’re gonna send
your fingerprints off to the FBI”!

And, friends, somewhere in the FBI, enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of our dirty little votin’ fingerprints

And the only reason we’re singin’ you the song now is ’cause you may know
somebody in a similar situation

Or you may be in a similar situation, and if you’re in a situation like
that, there’s only one thing you can do

Walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in, say, “Shrink, you
can get anything you want at Malice’s Restaurant,” and walk out

You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they may think he’s
really sick and they’ll ignore ya

And if two people do it, in harmony, they may think they’re both partners and
they’ll ignore ya both

And if three people do it! Can you imagine three people walkin’ in, singin’
A bar of “Malice’s Restaurant” and walkin’ out? They may think it’s a
leftist, socialist, Democrat organization!

And can you imagine fifty people a day? I said FIFTY people a day
Walkin’ in, singin’ a bar of “Malice’s Restaurant” and walkin’ out? Friends
They may think it’s a #movement, and that’s what it is… THE Malices’s
Restaurant anti-democracy-massacree movement! And all you gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar

With feelin’

Q can get anything it wants at Malice’s restaurant
Q can get anything it wants at Malice’s restaurant
Walk right in, unless you’re black
but you’re gonna have to give to Trump’s Super PAC
You can get anything you want at Malice’s restaurant

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Bouchard (1967-Now) is an American “writer” & “humorist.” A cyclist, he’s tied w/ Lance Armstrong in Tour de France wins. Combined w/ Jeff Bezos, is worth $100B