Motto: Critically Acclaimed, Barely Read.

June 29, 2017

It has been another action-packed, scandal-ridden, high-scoring affair in the world of politics this week. The president has resumed lashing out at his adversaries (both real and imagined). He has gone after television personalities, after vanquished foes, after members of his own party and after the entire Democratic Party (all 3 members) and he has again gone after his predecessor (he now suggests there was indeed collusion with Russia — by Obama) though this has done little to tamp down the Russia stories (both real and imagined.)

Editor’s note: We apologize for violating the sanctity of the above Jay Leno/Pat Morita classic.

For his part, former President Obama did not take the bait, and has largely refrained from engaging his successor.

We have unconfirmed reports that this could be because Obama has been detained on unspecified charges and is being held, likely in Guantanamo. (We knew he should have closed it when he had the chance).

President Obama being led away in handcuffs, as the first runner up in the Ted Cruz look-alike contest (L) watches.

All of this has seemingly taken away from the president’s agenda, which is…lashing out at his adversaries (both real and imagined).

While Trump’s anger/obsession with his more-popular predecessor seems to be driving his every move, this week it was apparently the antics of a show Trump claims not to watch that caught his ire.

The adversary du week (Voyez ce que nous avons fait là-bas, @KatyTurNBC?) this time was Mika Brzezinski — whom the President of the United States described as “low IQ” and “crazy” and her fiancé, whom the president called “Psycho Joe.”

(Note: This week’s kerfuffle with Mika was not his first, as was covered absolutely brilliantly here.)

The mean spiritedness and pettiness of the tweets caused an outrage in Washington. Senator Lindsay Graham called the tweet “beneath the office of the President.” Senator Ben Sasse added “Please just stop. This isn’t normal.” Paul Ryan showed his usual backbone in standing up to the president, savagely denouncing Trump’s tweet by saying “I don’t see that as an appropriate comment.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell seems slow and sluggish to respond. It is so hard to get that guy to come out of his shell.

Most critics saw the tweet as demeaning the office of the president, and further, as cyber-bullying and sexist. While those first two are not in dispute, Fox News’s Brit Hume, an expert in not spotting sexism, says he did not see sexism in the tweet. He reports, you decide.

The president’s twitter habit, and this week’s manifestations of it are, unfortunately for Republicans, not the worst news of their week.

The worst news for the Republicans is they seem to have failed in their bid to undo the black guy’s legacy; the best news for the nation is the Republicans seem to have failed in undoing the black guy’s legacy, Obamacare, AKA medical mal-blacktice.

The best news for the Democrats is there were no special elections this week for them to come painfully close to winning, but not close enough.

Actually, the best news the Democrats received this week was the fact that Justice Kennedy did not announce his retirement from the bench as some had expected. You know it has been a rough stretch for Democrats when they find solace in the fact that an 80 yr. old Reagan appointee who helped dismantle the Voting Rights Act, ruled in favor of Citizens United and against Lily Ledbetter, isn’t retiring.

But the big news of the week was around the repeat rejection of the repeal and replace legislation for Obamacare.

The Senate healthcare bill is a complete and utter rejection of Obamacare, in that it has nothing to do with either Obama, or care.

Senate Republicans took the house health care bill and somehow made it even worse. That’s a difficult task — like making a cover of this song, and sounding worse. It was the legislative equivalent of the classic carpenter quip “this board’s too short, you need to cut it again,” only the “carpenter” is Mitch McConnell and the “board” is poor elderly people.

Throughout the years long debate over Obamacare, Republican leaders told us that people, businesses and the marketplace hate uncertainty. This is a theme Trump echoed throughout the campaign and a recurring message of his — that the feckless leadership of the previous president (whom Trump now refers to as “O” while referring to himself as “T”) fostered uncertainty and that in turn hobbled business and harmed our economy. To remedy this, on Wednesday, “T” promised there’d be “big surprises” in the healthcare bill, and that people, businesses and the markets would be very happy with this.

And because of the status of the health care bill, there are families who face almost unbearable uncertainty — no, not families with children with cancer, billionaire families who aren’t certain if they’ll get tax cuts. For example, take Charles Koch, of Wichita, Kansas. With the help of the GOP Senate Healthcare/Income Tax Plan (S.H.I.T. Plan for short) Mr. Koch has a personal net worth of $42,000,000,000. Seems like a lot, right? Without the Senate providing aid to hardworking individuals like Mr. Koch, his net worth would be a paltry $41,999,544,400.67. How can a poor man stand such times and live?

Republicans have been finding the road to the repeal of Obamacare a rocky one — they are even losing support among senators of their own party. In fact, a pro-Trump group led by former campaign aides (domestic, not Russian) has begun airing ads attacking Dean Heller. Experts believe the attack ads will only serve to increase Heller’s name recognition, perhaps even to double digits. Heller is not exactly someone you would expect 1/6th of the US economy to hinge on. He is so unremarkable and non-descript, he is like the John Thune of the United States Senate.

And again, Heller is just the tip of the iceberg on this healthcare problem. Support for the republican healthcare plan is now down to 13.

Public polling on the senate healthcare bill (American Healthcare Act) is not good news for Republicans. 55% of the public disapproves of the bill,making it almost as unpopular as Trump. Only 12% of the public approves of AHCA. Those are Jeb! type numbers. Maybe they should rebrand the bill and call it AHCA! Please clap.

As for the Democrats (and Bernie Sanders), they continue to rail against the bill, an act which seems to consist mostly of putting on hats and yelling things to themselves.

Senator Ron “Super Dave Osborne*” Wyden doing the hat, yelly thing

*Seriously, it can’t just be us that sees this, right?

Super Ron Osborne, and Senator Dave Wyden…or something.

That’s not to say the progressive movement lacks clarity on how to fight back on the health care bill. Just yesterday, progressives organized a queer dance party outside Mitch McConnell’s house. We’d be shocked if this doesn’t work.

Speaking of McConnell (man he is like a turtle popping up everywhere), he has slowed the healthcare process down, cancelling a scheduled vote on AHCA, saying he doesn’t have enough votes to win. This is generally not a problem — the last two republican presidents didn’t have the votes either, and they still won.

In other domestic news, this week is the Trump Administration’s big “Energy Week.” Energy Week has big shoes to fill as it comes on the heels of “Infrastructure Week” which was huge. For those that don’t recall, Infrastructure Week was a week centered on some of Trump’s big initiatives. Namely, attacking Jim Comey and the Mayor of London during a terror attack. In light of that, the Mika tweets begin to make sense.

To mark Energy Week in a non-Mika way, Energy Secretary Rick Perry this week played the role of filling time at the White House Daily Briefing. This tactic, which limits the amount of time the actual spokespeople have to lie, was a huge risk, as Rick Perry isn’t exactly…well, a nuclear physicist, if you know what we mean.

We are not saying that Rick Perry isn’t terribly bright (though in fairness, Rick Perry isn’t terribly bright), but we will note that during the period between his governorship of Texas and his appointment to the department of uh….oops, his choices were not between Dancing With the Stars or public face of MENSA. The man was tailor made for Dancing With the Stars. That being said, his staff was so thrilled that the secretary didn’t drool on himself during the briefing that they tweeted this humblebrag after its conclusion:

The Secretary himself seemed so pleased to have on at least one occasion pronounced “nuclear” correctly and to have correctly remembered the name of his department, that he seemed to float away from the podium as this footage shows.

I did it! I didn’t drool, I said nucular the elite way once, and I…oops”

On to legal issues…the Supreme Court, now comprised of 3 distinct factions: “Liberal” (Bader-Ginsburg, Breyer, Kagan, Sotomayor), “Conservative” (Kennedy, Roberts), and “Holy Fucking Shit” (Alito, Gorsuch and Thomas) wrapped up its 2017 session this week. The big news was a separation of church and state issue in Missouri. The court determined that the state of Missouri could not deny a church funds meant to improve the surface of its playground solely because it was a church. Missouri denied the funds in an effort to preserve separation between the state and the church. Good intentions to be sure, but remember the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And according to a majority of the court, the road to heaven is paved with a taxpayer funded vulcanized-rubber coating.

And finally, in another religious story, authorities have arrested a man for destroying a monument of the Ten Commandments on the grounds of the Arkansas state capital. Arkansans view this as an all out assault on their values, which include reverence for the graven image in Little Rock. Said one outraged citizen, “I am so angry. I mean Jesus freaking Christ. I’ma drive down to his place on Sunday, and I swear I’m gonna kill him. I’ma take his wife…she’s hot, I worship her. Might even take his car. It’s a Dodge! I covet that thing. I’ll just say he told me to take it. Might piss off my mom and dad, but fuck ‘em.”

The Little Rock incident was the second most egregious driving episode of the week.

And that is how the weak spent the week in a nation where the president may hate our press, but certainly not Ireland’s. For Caitriona Perry’s sake, we hope he didn’t have a presidential Tic-Tac first.

Before we go, we are going to take a less than humble moment here to show off some recognition we have begun posting around our properties.

The Honorable Steve Bouchard

If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, recommend this story, share it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do. Follow us on and on twitter at @sbouchard67



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Steve Bouchard

Steve Bouchard


Bouchard (1967-Now) is an American “writer” & “humorist.” A cyclist, he’s tied w/ Lance Armstrong in Tour de France wins. Combined w/ Jeff Bezos, is worth $100B