The Duller Report — Democracy Schemocracy…the Optics Were Bad
July 24, 2019
Well, today was finally the day we have all been waiting for. The day when America’s indifference to the walking, talking crime spree that is the Trump administration was finally televised.
Not to suggest that we as a nation are shallow, but Chuck Todd of NBC News made this observation about what was essentially a public criminal indictment of the Commander in Chief: The optics of the presenter were bad.
The optics of the presenter were bad.
That’s right, a highly respected former FBI Director and criminal prosecutor today laid out the hard facts that the president of The United States, aka Individual #1, an un-indicted co-conspirator in at least two felonies, obstructed justice on ten occasions and encouraged Russia (if not conspiratorially) to meddle in our elections, and the press is deducting style points.
THAT’s how far we’ve fallen.
The optics of the presenter were bad.
No Watergate parallels. No comparisons to organized crime syndicates. What we are discussing is Robert S. Mueller, III’s inability to be captivating on TV.
Democracy is not a ratings game. Democracy is not, and never has been, pretty. Our founding documents were hammered into shape by a group of fat, sweaty, septuagenarians with wooden teeth and walking sticks. “Well, that whole ‘We find these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal’ thing was good, but did you see his wig???? Bad optics!”
Democracy is more Dom Deluise than it is Olivia Munn.
Robert Mueller performed today as, well…Robert Mueller. Dry, staid, sober, competent, thorough. What America apparently wants isn’t Bob Mueller. We want Tom Hanks playing Bob Mueller.
But instead, at its hour of need, all America got was retired U.S. Marine, war-hero, law-enforcement-official-without-peer, Robert S. Mueller.
Whose optics apparently suck.
There really wasn’t much to be gained by having Mueller testify. Half of all Americans already believed the report made it clear the president acted criminally and would have been indicted if not for DoJ guidelines against indicting shitty presidents.* The other half are still bummed Honey Boo Boo got cancelled.
*We are told this is an error. The DoJ guidelines forbid the indictment of sitting presidents.
So off to the hearing the nation went.
And, to be blunt, the hearings were unwatchable. Like Trump and Roseanne jello-wrestling unwatchable.
There’s an obvious movie reference to underscore how dull this thing was. But we are too mature to go for such low hanging fruit.
No we aren’t.
But there’s an even better option. This thing was REALLY boring. Like Ishtar boring. Hell, it was Ishtar with subtitles boring.
Don’t take our word for it. Here are just the opening moments of the hearing, during which the tone for the entire day was set.
Don’t recognize the fast-talker in the video? That’s none other than Doug Collins, Georgia’s answer to Louie Gohmert. In fact, Collins is very much like Louie Gohmert…if Louie Gohmert was drunk, hit his head, and lost a dozen or so IQ points. So how is it that Georgia elects this guy? you ask. Well, his wikipedia entry says it all.
The Democrats’ opening argument seems to have been — surely SOMEBODY must give a shit, right????
While the Republicans’ opening argument was the very Monty Python-esque — Apart from asking Russians to interfere in our democratic process, his campaign meeting with Russians in hopes of such interference, numerous indictments of key campaign officials, the destruction of emails and digital communications, failing to testify in person, and at least ten instances of obstructing justice, what has Trump done that’s so bad?
Rather than get into a deep analysis of the nuances of each side’s concluding argument, we will close this special edition with a summary of both.
DEMOCRATS: Our founding documents were clear. Our nation’s history underscores the fundamental truth that no man is above the law. In other words, when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with their leader, a decent respect to the opinions of all peoples requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation — the Mueller Report, presented forthwith, declares such causes.
REPUBLICANS: Na na na na na, you can’t indict a shitty president! Barr said so.
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