This Weak in Politics — Special Edition Convention(s) Recap
July 28, 2016
Much as we may mock American politics, and the frequent pettiness that marks the modern process, there is no denying that this week saw history made. In a nation that has had an historic and ill-advised bias toward male dominance in positions of power, the glass ceiling was finally shattered. Bill Clinton was nominated to be the nations’s first and only first-gentleman, finally giving every American family the chance to tell their sons “son, now you truly can be anything you want.”
As a by-product of this — what we will call his-tory — Hillary Rodham Clinton was also nominated to be President of the United States, earning the privilege to serve alongside man, Tim Kaine (D-VA or NJ).
The nomination of Hillary Clinton sets up an epic and historic confrontation — the first nominee without a penis v. the first nominee who is nothing but a dick.
But last night belonged to one person in particular, and whether you are a Democrat, an Independent or even a Republican, you can’t escape the historic significance of what she accomplished.
From a humble childhood, to the heights of fame and power. Even when battling her white-haired, lovable-rogue husband for a spotlight that he too has earned, she has maintained her own identity and remained a powerful force in her own right. And last night, for the first time ever in the United States, she addressed a major party convention as…a friend of the Democratic Nominee for President of The United States.
In addition to the above mentioned history, the past two weeks were incredibly eventful on so many fronts, bringing us Russian spies egged on by a presidential candidate, a democratic convention in which everything worked well (including the balloon drop), and people going to Cleveland and Philadelphia on purpose — and enjoying it. In other words, what’s usually down was up and what’s usually up was down, from the top to the bottom. Here’s Rudy Giuliani with a demonstration:
Rather than delve into the minutiae of the Democratic convention or the Doomsday Fest in Cleveland last week, we will instead take a page from the convention playbooks and break here for entertainment with a song that speaks at length about the policy prescriptions we heard from both sides at these conventions:
And without further ado, we’ll close this issue with a brief TWITPOL convention comparison.
One party’s convention dwelled heavily on faith, patriotism, a strong military, being tough on terrorists and often broke into chants of USA!, USA! The other party nominated Donald Trump.
One party’s convention spoke to blue collar workers, spoke to the economic fears of the middle class, and tried to placate and appeal to disgruntled Bernie Sanders supporters (also known as Bernie Sanders supporters), while the other party actually had Bernie Sanders in attendance at the convention.
One party’s convention featured a speech by Chachi. There’s nothing else we can say here…just let that sink in.
One party’s convention featured an amazing speech by Michelle Obama on opening night, while the other party had Michelle Obama deliver an amazing speech on opening night.
One party’s convention featured white people wearing goofy hats and dancing really poorly while the other party featured white people and black and brown people wearing goofy hats and dancing really poorly.
And that’s how the parties spent their time until banging their gavels.
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