This Weak in Politics — Special GOP Convention Edition!
Day One — July 18, 2016
Letttttttt’s Get Ready to Nominate!
The Republican National Convention, which is a scheduled 15 round event, lightweight and heavywhite event opened today after months of fevered anticipation.
Showing signs of maturity, the Trump campaign and the Trump-led RNC shed their early, inexperience-laden proclivity for turning everything into an amateur clusterfuck, and instead put on a well-oiled and finely honed, professional clusterfuck as hundreds of Republican delegates realized “holy Mother of God, we seriously did this?”
We are not saying that the convention started off bad, but one more day like this and Paul Manafort could well be CNN’s next political analyst.
The day’s proceedings were nearly hijacked by a group of dissident delegates who tried amending the convention rules, freeing delegates to vote their conscience. The RNC quickly crushed the uprising saying the breakaway delegates complaints of being oppressed, denied equal rights and blocked from voting, were absurd. Conventioneers were then allowed to go about the regularly scheduled party business of oppressing dissidents, denying equal rights and blocking people from voting.
By evening however, the early afternoon troubles were as removed as a person of color from a Trump rally.
The theme of the night was twofold: Everyone’s dead/we’re all fucked, and make America great again. The result was an evening so frightening it ranked somewhere between hunting with Dick Cheney and Donald Trump being elected president.
With that theme in mind, and to restore sanity and display gravitas, the GOP quickly pivoted out of the early afternoon chaos by having some of the GOP’s most sophisticated national security thought leaders speak:
Intellectually and in terms of class, the evening then dipped a little as Rudy Giuliani took the stage. Giuliani, who placed NYC’s emergency command center in the heart of the previously attacked World Trade Center despite experts saying “hey — that doesn’t seem like a very smart idea,” yelled about leadership, critical decision making and not losing your cool when the spotlight is on.
That same spotlight then lit up the leader of the Republican Party, Donald Trump, for an entrance that was a cross between Vegas-era Elvis and the speech from Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator to the tune of “We Are The Champions.” We wish we were taking poetic license here, but we are not.
Trump, uncharacteristically spoke for less than a minute, though not uncharacteristically, he used that time to inform everyone that he was going to win big. Three times. He then introduced the star of the night who is, ironically, an immigrant — Melania Trump.
Melania Trump gave a speech that was befitting of a national party’s nominating convention, touching on her own story of immigrating, and highlighting themes of love and compassion. As such, it is unlikely we will see her again for the rest of the campaign.
Update: Fresh off the presses — we have a partial transcript of Melania’s speech: “And to America’s youth — Ronnie and I urge you to Just Say No To Drugs…much like Barack and I had to do growing up on the streets of Chicago.”
*We have been informed that the photo above is not Trump’s wife, it is Trump’s ex wife.**
Here is Trump’s wife, the star of convention day one.
**We have further been told that the woman we said was Trump’s ex wife, is actually his ex-ex wife. His ex-wife is pictured below:
Stay tuned to this space all week for continuing coverage of Trump 2016 — The mistake by the lake in the mistake by the lake.
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