This Weak in Politics, Vol. LXVIII
March 23, 2017
It has been a hairy time in world politics, and this week is proving no different. Right here in the good old USA, we have had another one of those weeks in which it is difficult to know where to begin. Big news items included the news that the campaign of the President of The United States is being investigated by the FBI for possible collusion with an adversary, hearings were held to fill a Supreme Court seat left vacant by Merrick Garland, the White House proposed budget cuts so draconian that even Draco is blushing, and a vote is pending on Trumpcare.
As we are having a difficult time wending our way through this shit salad, we will simply go in reverse order (which was actually Trump’s original campaign slogan, “Make America go in Reverse.”)
So we will start with healthcare.
The House is set to vote on the Conservatives’ American Health Care Act or CAHCA. The bill has dominated domestic policy news since it was released. People on both sides of the aisle have been discussing one piece of CAHCA or another since it was first floated — and now it’s the time for the House to vote or get off the pot, so to speak. Critics say the bill forces many people off the insurance rolls, while true conservatives argue “sure, but not nearly enough of them.”
That last group, the Freedom Caucus, views repeal as a modern day emancipation proclamation, freeing wretched souls from the hurtful bondage of…healthcare. (Speaking of emancipation, the president believes Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. It could be that the president only recently learned this himself, once he became interested in…you know…the presidency. We are surprised Frederick Douglass didn’t tell him.)
Despite the opposition of the bulk of the Freedom Caucus, Congressman Steve King (R-acist) supports the bill, which actually puts him on the same side as House Speaker Paul Ryan. This should not really come as a surprise to anyone, as King is generally a fan of the Protocols of the Elders of Ryan. (Please tell us you get that one — we hate seeing good hate jokes go to waste. If you don’t get it, please visit your local library.) We are not saying that Steve King is a racist…but if he didn’t eat meat, he’d be a veget-Aryan. (If you don’t get that one, please visit your local dictionary). But we digress.
The White House is spending the final hours leading up to Thursday’s vote on Trumpcare trying to trade favors and pet-projects for votes with the people who were elected by vowing to fight the trading of favors and pet projects for votes. As such, it is our guess the President will indeed be successful in getting the House to pass Trumpcare.
This is a marked departure from 7 years ago when the Democrats passed healthcare by giving a Medicaid-reimbursement-scheme as a sweetener to then Senator Ben Nelson — a deal that became known as the “Cornhusker Kickback.” This year’s process is strikingly different, as the Medicaid-reimbursement-schemes being offered this time are not in the Cornhusker state. Swamp drained!
Now to the Supreme Court, where, in our effort to give the most comprehensive coverage to the Neal “Merrick Garland” Gorsuch confirmation hearings, we are teaming up with the folks at @SCOTUSblog, in a partnership we call TWITSCOTUSPOLBLOG (we think it is very likely to catch on). If you talk to the folks at SCOTUSBLOG, don’t mention our partnership — they seem very, very reluctant to talk about it. We are like the Sergey Kislyak to their Mike Flynn. Or their Paul Manafort. Or their Jared Kushner, Donald Trump, Roger Stone, Carter Page or their Jeff Sessions. But that’s it.
During the hearings, viewers were exposed to some jurisprudential arcana (we used that term largely to impress SCOTUSBLOG and @KatyTurNBC. The term “jurisprudential arcana” can be replaced with “legal crap” for our regular readers). An example of the legalese used came when FBI Director James Comey spoke directly of the ‘gravamen’ in the Watergate scandal and how that compares with today’s Russia investigation. For those of you that do not have Black’s Law Dictionary lying around (and we suspect that is very few of our elite readers), ‘gravamen’ is a term referring to justice-loving Congressman Raul Gravamen (D-AZ).
The hearings also exposed viewers to the legal doctrine known as “Chevron Deference.” This is the administrative law precedent that states that if there is ever a legal disagreement, in which there are clear and demonstrable distinctions between two positions, the oil companies always win. It is not to be mistaken with the similarly named “Chiffon Difference” — which, as our more seasoned readers will note, is the legal doctrine dating back to Common Law, which states that, “if it tastes like butter, but it’s not, it’s Chiffon.”
During the hearings, viewers were also able to see a love-struck Ted Cruz fawning over Judge Gorsuch. Try to unthink and unsee that mental image. Here’s an image of Cruz that will hopefully take your mind of his love-strucked-ness.
Also this week, the on-going story about Russian influence in the 2016 elections stayed front and center as new revelations about Paul Manafort, and Roger “Gall” Stone come out virtually every day. FBI Director James Comey took the unprecedented step of publicly acknowledging that there is indeed an on-going investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russian officials.
It does seem that the mainstream media got one major point wrong — it suggested that American operative Paul Manafort had some professional dealings in Russia. The reality is that Russian operative Paul Manafort had some professional dealings in the United States — specifically in the Trump campaign. (Though Sean “Posh” Spicer insists that it was a limited role. Intern, perhaps. Or Chairman. One of those two.)
Prior to serving as Trump’s campaign chairman, Manafort was paid millions of dollars by a Russian billionaire to advance the interests of Vladimir Putin — or as Trump associates put it “Ummm…we don’t comment on people that are not White House employees,” then returned to attacking Hillary Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, CNN and Snoop Dogg.
The announcement of the Russia investigation was not entirely surprising, yet was somehow shocking. We expect anytime now Fox News “Personality” Sean Hannity will call for the resignation of President Trump, as this revelation presents a “major Constitutional crisis.” We suspect Sean “Posh” Hannity will likely find a “major extenuating circumstance” to change his mind in this instance faster than you can say hypocritical windbag.
But so far, this has been his reaction.
And as we are writing this very issue, there is breaking news that government sources are now saying there indeed is evidence that suggest Trump associates did coordinate with Russians on the timing of the release of leaked materials meant to harm Hillary Clinton (remember her? She was the chick with that email thingy).
Government officials have not named who the Trump associates are, and we certainly don’t want to unmask (that is a technical term meaning “give a giant wedgy to”) them, so we will give a small, subtle hint as to their identity here:
It’s Roger Fucking Stone and Paul Fucking Manafort
As for the president himself, he spent a better part of the week in the White House, or “The Northern Mar a Lago” as it is now known. He began the week by having his surrogates leak out reports that they were cutting domestic programs such as the community block grants that provide funding for Meals on Wheels (maybe he thought this was a euphemism for taco trucks? Or ‘euphenism,’ as he likes to call it), public television, public radio and even LIHEAP (Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program, not to be confused with LYING HEAP.)
Trump also started the week with a minor international incident or two, by accusing the British government of being complicit in the efforts to “tapp (sic) his phones,” and then by refusing to shake the hand of German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Merkel, who simply gave Trump some side eye during their meeting, might have done well to take Trump’s own advice when snubbed for the handshake. She is a star after all, and when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything — she should have just grabbed the pussy.
These missteps (or leadership moments, depending which side of the aisle you are on), have been the source of much debate. Is the president a calculating genius, or is he Sarah Palin with smaller hands?
Every time Trump makes what we coastal elites and liberal media types see as a gaffe, his supporters argue that he is simply playing chess, whilst the rest of us are playing checkers. (Okay, fine, so Trump supporters don’t use words like “whilst.” The larger point stands). If Trump flung his poo his supporters would compare him to Jackson Pollock, while the rest of us would say “yeah, I always knew he’d fling his poo eventually.”
And finally in other news, the world lost two men this week with similar names who took different paths in influencing our culture — Chuck Berry and Chuck Barris.
Chuck Berry is widely credited with being one of the most influential pioneers in the history of rock and roll music. He left an indelible (you can try deling it, but trust us, you can’t) mark on American music for over 6 decades. We would be less than honest if we didn’t also note that he had his share of troubles, including an almost Republican-elected-official-like interest in what goes on in restrooms.
As for Chuck Barris, the showman, creator, and television producer — most notably of The Gong Show, died just 3 days after Chuck Berry. For those of you who don’t know, Chuck Barris was the brash, arrogant, wild-haired TV host of a show in which winners and losers were determined on the air, who had a penchant for stretching the truth and even lied about the CIA. Had he lived, he likely would have become the 46th President of the United States.
And that is how the weak spent the week in preparation for the CAHCA hitting the fan…err, the House.
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