This Weak in Politics Vol. XXVII
June 9, 2016
And then there were two. Well, two and Bernie. And Gary “Johnson.”
America is a nation of 318.9 million people (translated literally: 318,900,000 people). Out of all of these people, democracy has once again worked her timeless wonder and selected from amongst them, two public servants par excellence. The living embodiments of the Jeffersonian ideal. The best and the brightest. Potential future inhabitants of Mt. Rushmore.
Nah, just kidding. It’s Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
To be fair, the Trump/Clinton general election duo did vanquish some of the biggest names in American politics on their paths to the title “presumptive nominees.” Names like Ben Carson, “Governor” John Kasich (sp?), Jeb!, Vermin Supreme, Snooki and Carly Fiorina.
Trump completed his transition from tacky rich guy to “presidential” nominee, by giving a speech on Tuesday night from his private country club on a stage with several models, all the while only making one pee-pee joke.
The Republican nominee also spent a good portion of the week fending off attacks that he is racist — attacks that stem from the fact that he is racist.
To show that he is actually quite fond of African Americans and in tune with them, the billionaire has taken to calling his black supporter* “my African American.” In defense of Trump’s presidential credentials in matters like this, it is widely believed that Presidents Washington and Jefferson also used the term “my African American,” or its 18th century equivalent. Even as late as the 2oth century, Senator Strom Thurmond also used the term, though in his case he may have been referring either to his mistress or his daughter. And in the 21st century, Larry Wilmore used a similar phrase during the White House Correspondents Dinner, to a similar reception as was received by the Republican nominee. (It should be noted that Wilmore, who is black, probably had more of a cultural right to use the term than did Trump, who is orange.)
Just this week, Trump suggested that a federal judge could not perform his job impartially because “He happens to be Mexican, we believe.” Republican Party leaders quickly condemned the remarks, realizing that Hispanic voters (or those we believe are Hispanic. And legal) are a group with whom the party needs to grow its support.
Previously this cycle, Trump mocked a disabled man, insulted women, demeaned the sacrifices of wounded and captured veterans, and proposed banning Muslims from entering the country. Presumably Republicans do not need to improve their standing with the disabled, women, wounded vets, POWs and Muslims.
The bottom line is that Trump indeed seems to be a racist. This is good news and bad news for him — on the plus side, it means he can hang on to the base. On the downside, it might alienate his African American.
His racial views have many conservatives publicly displeased (and privately pleased). As such, Trump seeks to allay those public fears by highlighting his strong positions on the Bill of Rights: Adamantly pro 2nd Amendment, iffy on parts of the 1st, and in favor of repealing the 15th and 19th. (Oh for f^&*’s sake people, look them up here, here, here and here.)
As for the Democrats, the primary season ended somewhat anti-climactically as the Associated Press and other major media outlets declared Hillary Clinton the presumptive Democratic nominee before the final contests had played out. They did this after determining the outcome was a certainty — by factoring in the public commitments of super delegates (or as Bernie Sanders calls them ‘The corporate whore, elite, anti-democratic, republican-light war mongers whom I am convinced I can sweet talk onto my side.”)
“You can’t declare someone is the nominee based on what a bunch of people are telling reporters they would do later,” says Sanders, who has for months been saying he should be the nominee because people are telling reporters they would vote for him later (in November.)
Sanders vowed to keep fighting on to the bitter end (which was technically about 5 months ago) despite losing 4 out of 6 contests on the final Super Tuesday including delegate rich New Jersey and California — or as Sanders characterized the night, “we won Montana and North Dakota and the corporate media is being silent about it.”
Sanders said he and his supporters bring too much to the table to get up and walk away now. “My continuing on helps trump up the issue of income inequality. My continuing on helps trump up the fight for a $15 minimum wage. My continuing on helps trump up support for ending student loan debt. Let me be clear…my continuing on helps trump…”
Sanders did acknowledge in his thick Brooklyn accent that his campaign may have reached “the nayda phase.” It was unclear as of this writing if he meant “the nadir phase” or “the Nader phase.”
In any event, the results of Super Tuesday were either heartbreaking or heartwarming depending on which side of the Sanders/Clinton divide one falls. Sanders supporters were incredulous at the results. “I have dedicated my entire life, and my entire professional career to progressive causes,” said 17 year old Berkeley resident Christine Prince, “and the result is this? I worked my butt off this election,” she continued, “I must have posted nearly 200 internet memes.”
Her grandmother, Louise Prince, a Clinton supporter, said she was pleased with the results and remained confident that Clinton supporters and Sanders’s millennial supporters have more in common than they may think. “I know she (Christine) has been following this election on her twitter machine and through the snatchchat (sic) (also sick). I hope she stays engaged. When this is all over we can sit down and bond once again over an ice cold Fresca and go to the Blockbuster to rent a good Patrick Swayze tape.”
Clinton, whose campaign shattered glass ceilings, democratic nerves and Sanders’s dreams, will officially be the first female nominee of a major party in the United States. Her path to this place was not a simple one. Even during the course of this campaign she had to dispatch her minions to stop the peasants from saying her election was a coronation. “I feel the pain of the people who know people who have felt pain,” the newly crowned nominee said Tuesday evening before settling down for a meal of caviar, pate de foie gras (French for “pate of foie gras”) and shredded Goldman Sachs speech transcripts.
And as for the aforementioned Gary Johnson, the former New Mexico governor (it’s true. Look it up.) sought to up his gravitas/presidential game as well by telling reporters that while he has indeed gotten baked in the past 35 days, if elected president, he will not get stoned in the White House (It’s true. Look it up.)
And that, friends, is why America is the way it is this week.
*Turns out Trump’s African American supporter is neither “Trump’s” nor a supporter. He is, however, African American
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