This Weak in Politics Vol. XXXII
July 14, 2016
America frightfully but steadily moved forward this week — the final week before the party of Abraham Lincoln, Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan reminds us all that it is also the party of Louie Gohmert, Ted Cruz and Rudy Giuliani, by nominating fake diploma hustler Donald J. Trump as its candidate for president of the United States.
Americans are readying themselves for this spectacle by updating their passports, Googling the phrase “best place for expats” and taking up prayer.
Donald Trump is readying himself by taking a (small) hands-on approach to selecting his VP pick. He has narrowed the field to disgraced former speaker Newt Gingrich, disgraced New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, and Governor Mike something or other from “Indiana.”
We kid about the governor. Governor Mike Pence (sp?) is well known in conservative circles for his brave fights against gay pizzas, gay wedding cakes and all refugees. In other words, he is tailor made for Trump, though Trump prefers his tailors to be made in CHINA!.
While the early part of the week saw Pence as the odds-on favorite, attention quickly turned to Newt Gingrich by midweek. Gingrich has just the right combination Trump is looking for to complement his style — past Congressional experience in shutting down the government and a more erudite (come on, @KatyTurNBC — not every blog can drop an “e” bomb like that!) style of racism than Trump’s more earthy, everyman hate. Adding fuel to the speculation is the fact that Fox News has severed their contract with Gingrich. It is unclear if this is due to Gingrich’s vice presidential ambitions, or if it perhaps indicates that there is truth to the rumor that serial harasser and Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes may have commented approvingly on Gingrich’s moobs or tried to dry hump the former speaker’s leg in the green room (go ahead, try and unsee that one…we’ll wait.)
And perhaps the biggest of the three finalists, Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, is seeing his stock rise as well. During the primary, Christie called Trump naive, childish, inexperienced, said he was acting like a 13 yr. old, and suggested Trump’s ideas make no sense. It was the nicest set of things anyone not related to Trump has said about him in 15 months, and, as such the two have developed a strong bond.
And the final name surfacing on Trump’s list is none other than his own daughter, Ivanka. While naming one’s daughter as a vice presidential running mate would be unprecedented, Trump is famously fond of his daughters, and has truly respected their assets from day one. (if you don’t click any other link, click that one at least. Seriously.) (Editor’s Note: there is some confusion regarding Trump and his daughters — so we will take a moment to clarify. The daughter who, as an infant, Trump speculated about her legs and breast size, is Tiffany. The daughter whom Trump says he might date had she not been his daughter, is Ivanka.)
To recap the potential Trump picks, here is a quick TWITPOL pro/con list for each:
Pence Pro: Indiana is a prolific producer of vice presidents
Pence Con: One of them was Dan Quayl(e)
Christie: Pro — He is a prohibitively good bridge player
Christie Con: — We don’t mean the card game.
Gingrich Pro: He is viewed by some as a visionary leader.
Gingrich Con: He is a huge dick.
Ivanka Pro: She has a terrific figure. She has the beautiful looks.
Ivanka Con: Those statements were made by her father and brother.
Fortunately, the long wait is almost over. By this time next week, Trump’s number two will be the talk of Cleveland.
As for the Democrats (and Bernie Sanders), the big news this week is that Sanders (pronounced san-dizz) warmly endorsed Hillary Clinton this week, saying such effusive (another “e” bomb for KT) things as “Secretary Clinton has won the Democratic nominating process, and I congratulate her for that,” and “Secretary Clinton goes into the convention with 389 more pledged delegates than we have and a lot more super delegates.”
Sanders also emotionally praised Clinton personally by saying “It is absolutely imperative for the future of this country that Donald Trump not be elected president of the United States.” This is the nicest thing the senator from Vermont has said about a Democrat since 1997.
As a picture paints a thousands words, we are going to step away from the keyboard for a moment and allow you to experience the loving embrace between Clinton and Sanders through the wonder of photojournalism:
In return for the warm embrace of Clinton, Sanders got every wonk’s dream — major influence over the Democratic Party’s 2016 platform — a document of virtually unparalleled significance and value. As the Democratic Party’s platform goes, so goes the local Democratic County Committees non-binding sense of the committee resolution on legalized pot. Take that naysayers!
Hillary’s potential VP picks have not drawn the same type of attention and speculation as have Trump’s do in no small part to the vanilla nature of Hillary’s list — a list comprised entirely of “safe” choices who neither threaten to bring down or over shadow the nominee herself. Insiders say the list is now down to the following 4 people:
- Virginia Senator Tim Kaine
- Virginia Senator Tim Kaine
- Retired Admiral James Stavridis (sp?) Note: we confirmed the spelling. It is definitely J-A-M-E-S. And yes, “James” is apparently seriously on the list, though he stands zero chance of being the pick.
- Virginia Senator Tim Kaine
We will keep you apprised of the riveting race to be Clinton’s veep pick in next week’s issue.
The one surprise from the list is that, for the first time since 1988, it does not include former Senator Evan Bayh of one of the states that begins with an “I.” That did not stop the Hoosier from making news, however as he made a big political announcement this week presumably after being told for the 7th time in his career he would not be the pick.
Democrats were ebullient (the “e” trifecta, Katy!) over the announcement by Bayh (by Bayh is fun to type, and we hope, fun to read), that he would come out of his lobbying-filled retirement to try and regain a seat in the United States Senate. This is not the first time Bayh has won the adulation of the Democratic Party*
*Correction: we are told we are mistaking Senator Evan Bayh for his father, Senator Birch Bayh. This IS in fact the first time Bayh has won the adulation of fellow Democrats. We regret the error. (Additional note: On the subject of Evan Bayh, and in the spirit of full disclosure and professional ethics, we should note that the author of TWITPOL, Steve Bouchard is also a ridiculously good-looking, but boring, white male.)
Loyal readers should stay tuned to this space next week, as we will carry full coverage of the Republican Convention, which in addition to the formality of the nominations, should prove to be very entertaining, continuing the tradition of showcasing the best of Republican entertainment talent. Past GOP conventions have achieved this showcase to great success — conventions like the 2012 Republican Convention which featured Clint Eastwood speaking to an empty chair or the 2008 convention, which featured KC and The Sunshine Band, or the 2004 Republican Convention which featured KC and the Sunshine Band, or the 2000 Republican Convention which featured KC and The Sunshine Band. These conventions proved to be the most awkward an uncomfortable examples of white people dancing strangely at a most awkward time until this happened:
And that was this week — the week before the rain begins.
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