Traitor Bros
AKA “To Helsinki in a Handbasket” — A TWITPOL Special Summit Edition
July 16, 2018 — a date which will live in infamy.
(Helsinki) The leader of the free world today held a meeting with Donald Trump in Helsinki, Finland. The meeting came on the heels (no, not in the Dick Morris way, you disgusting pigs, but we digress) of Trump’s NATO blunder and his UK disaster. After insulting Theresa May, trying to bully NATO, and calling the European Union a foe and the press an enemy of the people, Trump apparently came to Helsinki fresh out of vitriol (a word which, now that we typed it, looks like a Russian brand of gas. You know, the type of gas with which they lord control over Germany).
The Helsinki summit solidified two things: 1) Vladimir Putin is a master at spycraft and manipulation, and 2) Rex Tillerson was right.
Tension was building at the post-summit press conference even before the principals (and Donald Trump) arrived. First, a reporter was aggressively ushered out of the room prior to the start (we are told this was to make Trump feel at home). And because Putin was late (We are told this was to remind Trump who is the boss) and because the meeting ran long, the press conference started late.
The lowlight of the presser came when Jonathan LeMire from the Associated Enemies of the People asked Trump if he held Russia at all accountable for the deteriorating relationship between the US and Russia.
We’ve asked Benedict Cumberpatch to play the role of every patriotic American watching as that question was asked . (It should be noted that Cumberpatch is a foe, as he currently lives in the EU. We say currently, because Theresa May — also a foe— refused to take Donald Trump’s advice, thus leaving Britain in that whole pesky peaceful world order thingy.)
And we asked noted Kremlinologist Richard Sherman to portray every patriotic American who was watching Trump’s answer.
Just kidding. Richard Sherman is NOT a patriotic American, what with him being a black NFL player and all.
In case you missed it, Trump’s answer to the question involved mostly some incoherent thoughts about Hillary Clinton’s emails and the DNC’s server, including this gem: “…where is the server? Where is the server? And what is the server saying?”
We can’t say that ALL the reviews of Trump’s summit activities were negative. Both President Putin and Trump campaign advisor Sergei Lavarov seemed to approve. Even the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs (no, not like hotel affairs, you pigs. Those things never ummm…leak) joined in, tweeting “We agree” in response to Trump’s tweet blaming the decline in US/Russian relations on the US’s foolishness, stupidity, and rigged witch hunt.
While many were very critical of Trump’s performance, calling it “treason,” “disgusting,” and “one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory,” Vice President Mike Pensk (sp?) disagreed, saying, “what the world saw, and the American people saw, is that President Donald Trump will always put the prosperity and security of America first.” Proving that Pence really knows how to handle the president’s staff. So to speak.
In a related note, Putin, ever the showman, even gave the world a preview of what happened behind closed doors.
Trump seemed particularly pleased with an offer Putin made to respond to a formal request to interview the 12 indicted Russian intelligence agents. Putin even went further (and if you act now, we will give you this special monogrammed paring knife!), saying that he will meet the US halfway — he will have Russian investigators “help” with the investigation, in exchange for the US allowing Russians into the US to “investigate” businessman Bill Browder. That last part was the poison pill. No, literally poison. Novichok to be specific. What, too soon?
It is ironic that Putin’s response to this was to send Russians over to help. Again.
Trump responded rather giddily to Putin’s proposal, enthusiastically calling it “an interesting idea.” We have exclusive video of Putin making the offer in person, in English here:
While all this may sound depressing, rest easy. Trump assured us that US/Russia relations changed permanently for the good “four hours ago…I really believe that.”
Heckuva job, Brownie.
Mission accomplished.
The nuclear threat is over.
Das vadanya.
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